Surviving Pegasus
by Gundambaby
Summary: The ultimate guide how to deal with the craziest Galaxy right after the Milky way. 32th Chapter: How to write a mission report
1. Surviving the First Days

* * *

**Welcome to Atlanits dear new recruits!  
**

_To make your first weeks easier to you,  
we have written a guide to aid you in your daily struggle to cope with Atlantis and it's inhabitants._

* * *

∞ It's no duty to learn how to play golf on Atlantis; Sheppard is not permitted to make you clean toilet bowls for the rest of your life if you refuse playing.

∞ If you mess up anything, and make an emergency call, don't forget to tell your exact position; It makes it easier for the others to flee in the right direction

∞ You mustn't touch things scientists may ask you to switch on or off; McKay is not permitted to drown you if don't do what he says.

∞ Do not believe those people who tell you powerbars can stop a Wraith from tearing you apart to feed on you. That's not the Wraith, but Dr McKay. They always confuse it.

∞ McKayish is no language of it's own, nor a fitting scale for measuring catastrophes or a new fashion style.

∞ Most linguists suffer from a really bad humor, so do not buy their tips for polite offworld conversation. An insult is an insult, no matter when or which language.

∞ The kitchen chef can not curse, poison or kill you with one look; If you spent the whole night vomiting, blame the aliens.

∞ The only known difference between a nuclear time bomb and a cute alien pet is, that a bomb won't wet your carpet before blowing up.

∞ Sparing with Ronon is no necessary and common proof on Atlantis you're a man; In fact it only does proof your soon gonna be a very bruised man.

∞ Only fall in love with somebody if you can be 100 percent sure he/she isn't being an alien warrior, princess, invader or huge and bulky marine's property.

∞ Never mock anybody fixing jumpers, transports or shower system. For sooner or later, you will have to use them too.

∞ Refusing to go off world on days like Friday the 13th is stupid. Why be afraid of one single day, when there's plenty of reason to be scared all the time?

∞ Being friendly and civil doesn't mean the aliens won't enjoy beating you up; if you don't feel like it, you can leave the 'hello, I am a friendly visitor from another planet' foreplay out.

∞ Coffee ranges somewhere between _universal_ _deity_ and_ reason to live_. You can try taking the scientist away from the coffee, but you won't survive taking the coffee from the scientist.

∞ Do not try to feed aliens, native children or McKay with lemon.

∞ '_Everybody pull down your pants and jump back to your quarters on one leg_' is not the specific Atlantean Catastrophe Alarm, but the specific '_Hello, I'm Chuck, and I love to make fun of new recruits_' Alarm.

∞ You can wear your safe guard and vest all the time if you feel better that way; Just remember drowning or dying from heat stroke is also a likely option on Atlantis.

∞ Even if you have the ATA gene – flushing the toilets by thought won't work. You'll only get hemorrhoids and a hell of a headache, spending hours in the loo thinking '_flush, flush, flush_'.

∞ Learn how to run. Fast.


	2. Surviving Failure for Scientists

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
The following is a list of possible strange things, that might happen to you on your first month on Atlantis,  
along with an explanatin what they might mean, and what you should do if they happen.

Good luck**  
**

* * *

**The ultimate Failure check list****  
_Scientists edition_**

✑ Question  
✒ Suggestion

* * *

✑Have your colleagues stopped laughing and started to run?

✒If yes, you can either be a hero, stay back and find out what you did wrong, trying to fix it. Or you can be a plain, ordinary scientist with a sense of self preservation, and run right after your fellow peers, finding out who can run faster.

* * *

✑Has your name, the word worse and 'Kavanagh' been mentioned in the same sentence?

✒If yes, you are either an incredible imbecile endangering the city, or you just have a horrid hairdo.

* * *

✑Is the only thing you recognize of you your left toe?

✒If the rest of you is either blue, explosive, contagious or smells like three weeks leftover cheese sandwich, please stay away from the rest of the expedition.

* * *

✑Has McKay stopped ranting and yelling and is nice to you?

✒If you think that's no real sign for things gone bad, you have not been with us long enough and never will.

* * *

✑When you radio the infirmary, do they send Dr Biro?

✒Stay calm, take a deep (terminal) breath and say your (final) prayers. Most the rumors about her aren't true after all.

* * *

✑Do your colleaguess uddenly look way more sexy than you remember them, and all you wanna do is get physical with them?

✒No matter if it might be a side effect of whatever you have been working on, or Dr Zelenka's super special private moonshine still´s do, go to your room immediately and lock yourself. You don't want to wake up finding an enamored walrus lying next to you.

* * *

✑Does a suicide offworld mission (like facing a Wraith invasion all on your own with an empty P-90) sound appealing to you, compared the explaining consequences of your failed experiment to Dr. McKay?

✒If yes, it sounds like you have messed up so badly that we can only advise you to go, as hard as it may sound. Look on the bright side - at least death by Wraith isn't as painful and slow as death by McKay….

* * *

✑Is each and every event repeating itself with a given interval of time?

✒If yes, you are either facing a slight case of paranioa, or you found one of the ancient's many malfuctioning time loop machines. Find and turn it off again, and please don't do your version of groundhog day.

* * *

✑Do you think you are Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Silver Surfer or Robinson Crusoe?

✒Before you try anything stupid like jumping of the main tower, dressing up in violet tights or 'make fire, find Friday', go and talk to Heightmeye; She will understand and help you. You wouldn't be the first one gone a bit nuts here.

* * *

✑Is the number of your heads more or less than one?

✒If yes, immediately report to the infirmary. (And no, you are not allowed to keep any additional heads once they have been removed.)

* * *

✑Have you found the ancient's version of counterstrike and accidentally loaded it into the virtual reality projector?

✒Tell the marines about the new fun in area 3, charge them for entering the game, and flee through the star gate while you can.

* * *

✑Are the contents of your fruit salad talking to you?

✒Nevermind. This is Pegasus after all.

* * *

✑Are you the only person in the room not wearing a Hazemat suit?

Try to ignore the feeling of missing something, and enjoy the fact you're the only one able to drink coffee with your mouth not being covered while you can.

* * *

✑Is the equipment following you everywhere you go, making purring noises?

✒If you can't turn it off or outrun it - don't panic. Just try to imagine it as a rather unusual pet.

* * *

✑Have you been working on an artefact, when it suddenly started to blink, beep, emit radiation or count backwards?

✒In this case, you should not waste your time checking this list …


	3. Surviving Problems for Marines

**Thanks to:** E. Nagrom Fire Mage 14 Jenwryn Jezzalinko KariHermione lakewater MEPutney mrskeeler Nath Reefgirl Scarbantia SithLibrarian Whirlwind-2005

☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏ ☏

**Dear new recruit,  
the following list is considered to be a guide for those moments you come to think "_Something does feel quite wrong, but I can't put my finger on it" _**

**Problem check list - For marines. Good luck.**

☎ Question  
☏ Suggestion

* * *

☎ Are pointy spears headed towards you? 

☏Take a second to locate the gate, and run for your life. Screw trades and diplomacy.

* * *

☎ Have you woken up in a cell, and Sheppard has named you Bob, Steve or Michael? 

☏ Stay calm, see if you can get out of the costume and swear bloody revenge.

* * *

☎ Count your extremities, it the number uneven? 

☏ If anything is missing, call the infirmary. If something has been added, call the city security and scare as many scientists as possible on your way to the containment camber.

* * *

☎ Are you surrounded by dozens of Wraith and just noticed you forgot your spare ammunition? 

☏ Try to wake yourself up. If this isn't a bad dream, use the remaining bullets wisely. Leave at least one for you, and one for the guy who got you in this situation.

* * *

☎ Is the scientist on your team grinning at you, saying 'told you so'? 

☏ No matter how tempting, do not punch him her right in the face; You can always get back at them once they have saved your ass and you are release from the infirmary.

* * *

☎ Are you on Major Lorne's team? 

☏ Don't worry, just keep your head low and hope Colonel Sheppard's team will be here in time to save you.

* * *

☎ Look around you, does it look like Aliens have kidnapped you and locked you up in an old storage room full of various broken gadgets and trash? 

☏ You can either use the thing that looks like a washing machine on crack to built yourself a welding torch, a machine gun or a helicopter to escape; Or you can curse yourself for skipping 'Macgyver for Dummies' class.

* * *

☎ Do friendly, bikini-wearing, gorgeous looking natives, living in a tropical paradise protected by an ancient shield from the Wraith, praise you and urge you to become their king or queen? 

☏ Does this look like a problem to you?

* * *

☎ Have you been signed up to be Ronon's regular training partner? 

☏ If you are not something close to a Mike Tyson – Rambo clone, try to break a leg by jumping from a high tower and sign up for flight home immediately.

* * *

☎ Do you think you are smarter than the scientists and know exactly how the power output must be redefined for maximum efficiency? 

☏ Unless you have at least two degrees in each physics and math, and call yourself Einstein, leave it be. Nothing is worth having a fuming McKay on your heels for sinking the city.

* * *

☎ Have you been left back on a desert planet circling a black hole, just blew up the star gate when trying to dial home and lost your backpack and weapons? 

☏ Curse yourself for cutting 'Ascending for Dummies' class.

* * *

☎ Is an alien priestess or chiefs daughter son flirting with you? 

☏ Always remember the three bad Ds: Diseases, Daddies, and Dr Weir

* * *

☎ Waking up in the morning, you not only finding you have one monstrous hangover, but also five natives and two member of your team lying naked on your bed? 

☏ '_Aliens made us do it_' is so much more than just an urban legend...

* * *

☎ Have you broken a Puddle Jumper? 

☏ Try to blame it on the technician, the Wraith or just anything you can think of. Never admit your driving rather sucks, or Sheppard either grounds you for the rest of your life, or worse – he'll give you driving lessons.

* * *

☎ Whilst patrolling the city, you get in a emergency call via radio. A new scientist has messed up badly and does not know how to turn of the damn thing he she has activated; Now you think you should go and try to help since your close by anyway? 

☏ It is very healthy to have a long and detailed 'Things that are not my problem' list on Atlantis. It might prolong your life for several years…


	4. Things that are not my Problem List

* * *

Dear new recruits,  
In order to survive this expedition, it is very wise to have many long and detailed lists.  
Like '_Who I shall not date_', 'Planets I should not visit' or '_99 fruits, vegetables and meals one should not eat_'.  
The following is also a very important list, one that might prolong your life for years to come.

* * *

**Things that are not my problem list**  
**Part One**

* * *

✈ A scientist hammering at your door past midnight asking you to turn an ancient artefact on,

✈ Carson looking for test persons for his latest gene therapy,

✈ Lorne's team getting into trouble,

✈ Sheppard's team getting into trouble,

✈ Teyla, Ronon or any other alien on the expedition smiling innocently and asking detailed question about earthian sex life,

✈ Alien pets, plants or fashion one '_must_' have,

✈ Wraith sexuality,

✈ Lacking members for classes like 'knitting, your way to enlightenment' or 'How to clean an ancient toilet bowl',

✈ Sheppard saying 'I need a volunteer for _insertsuicidaltask_',

✈ Your radio going off when you finally managed to get your big crush in bed with you on your day off,

✈ A scientist running through the halls barely dressed screaming 'Eureka!' in the middle of the night,

✈ Anthropologists wondering if _group_ or _swarm_ is the more accurate terminology for the bunch of Wraith hunting you through a forest,

✈ The detailed status report on self-discovery or sexlife of your team mates or colleagues whilst eating breakfast,

✈ Anybody begging you to lend him her coffee, chocolate, batteries,

✈ Civil Wars, feuds or goddess arguing who is the prettiest one of them,

✈ Ronon looking for a training partner,

✈ Questions like '_Do you think this food is organic_' or '_Are we trading really fair? Ain't we exploiting the natives?_' while eating lunch,

✈ A very drunk person requesting you to open the window because he/she feels like flying,

✈ Anybody asking you to hide or protect him after he she broke any of McKay's belongings,

✈ Pacifistic thoughts from your team mates concerning the true nature of Wraith whilst running for your life,

✈ Women (no matter if terrestrial or alien) concerned with their looks, clothes or weight,

✈ Sheppard's hair.


	5. 17 Topics one should not talk about

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
It's hard to adapt to any new place.  
But finding friends isn't as hard as you might think, for we literally all sit on the same floating city.  
But, as in any new culture and community, there are a few bacis rules and tabus for polite conversation.  
The following is a list with 17 topics you should never, ever use on Atlantis, not if you want to beat Kavanagh on the 'Top 13 people we were really happy to have gotten rid off'.

* * *

**Worst Topic #1. Ancients**

Well, once you have spend a few days on Atlantis you'll understand why those guys had to ascended in the end; They came up with big ideas and great inventions - for even bigger problems they created.

**Worst Topic #****2. Bugs**

_Don't ask, don't tell, don't joke_ (especially if Sheppard is anwhere close).

**Worst Topic #****3. New movies, serials, books or what ever being released on earth**

It's just bad for morals and stuff; You don't want to risk starting mutiny for ER season 13 or Spiderman 3, ne?

**Worst Topic #****4. Family / Friends / Pets**

Unless you want to deal with several grown people sniffing, showing you pictures of (ugly) kids and telling you (really) boring stories - don't ask. If you have heard one _I had a bad childhood story_, you have heard them all.

**Worst Topic #****5. _Wohaaaa, it's soooo cool to be on Atlantis_**

Not only does this out you as a utter, complete, ignorant silly newbie - but also as a person with a frightening low self prevention instinct.

**Worst Topic #****6. McKay's weight, IQ or love life**

No matter what you say - it will be misunderstood by more than one person, resulting everything from weird looks to love letters to bomb threats.

**Worst Topic #****7. Carson's accent**

See above. If you say anything negative, you'll get killed; If you say anything positive, you get killed.

**Worst Topic #****8. Star Trek**

Please! Your not the first new recruit to spot the equivalent of Kirk, Spock or Neelix on Atlantis, and playing _hey, I know a Trekkie pun you don't _to no end can get you a ticket to the infirmary faster than you can say Beam me up Scotty!

**Worst Topic #****9. Alien priestess**

Another _don't ask, don't tell, don't joke_ thing on the no longer lost city. Too many bad cliques, and even more bad experiences.

**Worst Topic #****10. _'Didn't it hurt?'  
_**

'_Dummy, of course it did_!?' is the best variant of an answer you might get; More likely is a sparring session with Ronon, to demonstrate how much it hurt, or even worse - a long and detailed story about various other injuries.

**Worst Topic #****11. ****'What to you people do (use) when you run out of razors (toilet paper, tampons, toothbrush, coffee…)?**

You don't want to know the answer for real, do you? If you can't come up with an answer yourself, you lack the fantasy necessary to survive in Pegasus, and should really go home before you have to find out what everybody does the hard way…

**Worst Topic #****12. Hair  
**

See Carson's accent and McKay's weight. You just **can't **say anything right - so say nothing at all.

**Worst Topic #****13. Hitchhiker's Guide**

Also see Star Trek; Nobody likes a quotinator.

**Worst Topic #****14. SG-Team 1**

Yes, they are the coolest Star gate Team ever; Yes, they have saved (and destroyed) more world you knew before yesterday even existed and yes, they are hot. We all know it, we all had this discussion before (who is smarter, who is sexier, how many languages does Daniel know?) and we don't want to hear it all again.

**Worst Topic #****15. 'I wonder…'**

Forget it. No sentence starting with 'I wonder' can ever be followed by any decent question, so spare you and the rest of the expedition the pain of having to listen to the answer.

**Worst Topic #****16. The color of your returning laundry**

Oh comon, you're not the first one; Even Sheppard is wearing pink pants now and then.

**Worst Topic #****17. Ingredients  
**

Say your prayers and thank the Lord for what's on your plate - and don't ruin your's and others appetite by fantasizing about alien live forms, bacteria and vegetables the meal in front of us might consist of.


	6. Ten illnesses and how to cure them

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
You have been tested and check numerous times before you came here, and have been certificated perfect health. Still, you will fall sick pretty soon after coming to Atlantis. The following list will help you to find out how sick you are, what you can do and maybe even how to prevent further illnes.

* * *

**Ten atlantean illnesses and how to cure them**

* * *

**1. Moonshinitis**

Symptoms: Your head does feel like a pumpkin stuffed with wet cotton; Your mouth odor is so bad even you have to hold your breath to not choke.

Location: A foreign bedroom

Diagnosis: Either you have stepped into a parallel universe and switched bodies with an infamous rockstar - Or you just have been royally drunk last night.

► Cure: Try to make no noise, gather every piece of clothing you think it belongs to you and leave ASAP. Don't wait to find out the details; Most likely you get get the news the second you show up in the mess, lab or gym.

* * *

**2. Roflism**

Symptoms: You feel good! Harhar! Everything is so funny you just can't stop laughing! Hahah!

Location: Main lab

Diagnosis: Something is manipulating you and killing you from the inside.

► Cure: Try to stop grinning like an idiot (think of Wraith sex or Kavanagh's hair if you have to) and get the hell out of there. Once you stop giggling, call city security; If you are very brave, radio McKay and tell him what you did or didn't do.

* * *

**3. Spontaneous otitis media**

Symptom: You're almost deaf; Your ears hurt like hell.

Location: Main lab

Diagnosis: McKay has yelled at your for the past five minutes because you screwed up.

► Cure: Leave the lab, get two ice packs, wait for the ringing in your ears to stop and make notes to not forget your ear protection next time you're round McKay.

* * *

**4. Cringencies**

Symptome: Your stomach hurts so bad you feel like either crying or vomiting all the time.

Location: Anywhere in Pegasus after eating

Diagnosis: You are a new recruit from earth and your system isn't used to alien 'cuisine'.

► Cure: Take some laxatives and drink a lot; After a few really bad days you will get immune to the gag reflex and start to actually like the stuff.

* * *

**5. AGF (Ancient Gambling Fever)  
**

Symptoms: Your hands are trembling, your eyes are glued shut or tearing and you seem to have lost the ability to form even one coherent english sentence.

Location: Your bedroom

Diagnosis: You have just found the ancient data base for action games and have played non-stop since you came to your quarters.

► Cure: Push the button 'pause', get something to eat, call in sick and continue playing until somebody comes to confiscate your laptop and lock you up.

* * *

**6. Golfupicondylitis **

Symptoms: You smell aweful, you're sweaty and sticky and don't feel well at all.

Location: Lower Levels of Atlantis

Diagnosis: You pissed off Sheppard and have been ordered to clean the '_tanks_'.

► Cure: Take a shower, learn how to say 'Yes Sir, playing golf is cool and fun!'without grinning and annoy the hell out of the guy handing out stuff to get a hazemat suit, just in case your tongue slips again.

* * *

**7. Negotiaphlitis**

Symptom: You feel like dying and can't keep your eyes open.

Location: Conference room

Diagnosis: You are in a meeting.

► Cure: Stare at the ancient decorations until you begin to see dolphins and towers in 3D; Recite Pi or try to recall as many Mash episodes as you can.

* * *

**8. ****Damnwheredidthatbulletcomefromitity**

Symptoms: You're cold as ice, can't move one single muscle and your heart stopped beating one or two days ago.

Location: Anywhere offworld

Diagnosis: You're dead.

► Cure: Stay the hell where you are! Try to die for real and don't even think about returning as a Zombie!

* * *

**9. Rononbruisitis**

Symptoms: Everything hurts

Location: The Gym

Diagnosis: Ronon has beaten you up.

► Cure: Get up, limp to your room, open up some candy or beer, get an ice pack and wallow in self-pity until you feel better.

* * *

**10. Firstmontinsyness**

Symptoms: You feel depressed, think nobody likes you and can't fix even the most basic things.

Location: Atlantis

Diagnosis: You are a complete newbie in a galaxy billion nights years from earth and have no clue what the hell you are doing here.

► Cure: Read the mission and lab reports since the expedition came to Atlantis. You will come to see your mistakes are not the worst or most stupid ones ever; Even people like Sheppard tend to screw up big time. You only have to keep in mind the golden atleantean rule number one 'If you have been part have of the problem, you are responsible to be part of the solution.'


	7. Ten Commandments for Scientists

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
Even if you are not religious, you should take those ten commandments to heart... Who believes will be saved...

* * *

**The Ten Commandments for Scientists **

* * *

**1.** I am McKay, your God;You shall have no other gods before me, even thought I might allow you to worship Colonel Carter a little bit

**2. **You shall make yourself an idol; But not one for playing dart onto!

**3. **You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God; Because if you do it and I get to know, I will lock you out of your quarters and hack into your account to arrange a blind date with the most ugly marine I can find for you

**4.** Remember my lunch, dinner and breakfast break, snack times and power naps; keep them holy

**5. **Honor your parents, but please don't tell me stories about your family, for they either bore or upset me

**6. **You shall not murder unless it's somebody like Kavanagh and you are 100 percent sure you can get rid of the body

**7. **You may not commit adultery in front of my eyes or I will ask Sheppard to team you up with Lorne; You know what happened to their last scientist

**8. **You shall not steal my coffee

**9. Y**ou shall not bear false witness for I'm a genius and will find out anyway

**10.** You may covet your neighbor's man or girl but it's not my problem if he she tries to strangle you and I will not save you from dying a horrible, slow, painful death

(**10.1** You shall not covet your neighbour's projects, artefacts or various goods he she might possess; Using superior chess skills to rob one of one's belongings is a mortal sin Radek!)


	8. Atlantean Proverbs Lesson 1

* * *

Betaed by Kodiak's Sweet Breath

* * *

Dear new recruit,

Being eloquent is a wonderful thing for sure. But not everybody has been gifted with the ability of speech;  
often the outcome is rather embaressing.

To make everyday communications easier to you, we have listed and explained some of the most common proverbs on Atlantis.

* * *

**Atlantean Proverbs, Lesson 1**

* * *

_A bad meal always turns up._  
Meaning: Worshipping the porcelain god is a the basic(k) religion on Atlantis

_Absence makes the heart grow fonder._  
Meaning: Once somebody is gone on the Daedalus, you will start to like him her.

An alien leopard can change its spots.  
Meaning: Always look twice before putting away your gun.

_A little gun now is worth more than a big laser canon in prospect._  
Meaning: Research is all fine and dandy, but gun practise has a higher priority.

_A man that talks too much accomplishes a lot_.  
Meaning: Look up 'McKay' in the database

_An apple a day keeps the doctor away._  
Meaning: Don't eat apples unless you want to lose your only excuse for seeing Carson.

_A rule isn't unfair if it applies to everyone but me._  
Meaning: Look up 'Senior staff' and 'Tyrant' in the database.

_A woman's place is on Atlantis._  
Meaning: At least if she's smart or doesn't have a judan in karate; off world missions are the wrong place for emancipation.

_All bad things come to those who wait._  
Meaning: If in doubt, start running.

_Always judge the artefact by its cover._  
Meaning: If it looks cool, it might be an egg timer; If it looks useful, it's hightly likely leathal to human. Always be pessimistic.

_As you have brewed, so you must drink._  
Meaning: Merry drink slogan.

_Caught between McKay and the deep blue sea_  
Meaning: Don't screw it with the big bad scientist – there's little left to hide.

_Curiosity killed the scientist_  
Meaning: Self-explanatory.

_Every path has its puddle jumper._  
Meaning: Don't let Sheppard talk your team into 'healthy' hiking through a alien jungle if you could use a jumper.

**End Lesson 1  
**


	9. Ten Commandments for Marines

* * *

Betaed by Kodiak's Sweet Breath**  
**

* * *

Dear new recruit,

I hope you will understand the meaning behind those words and take them to heart;  
saying 'Yes Sir' and 'No sir' isn't enough to survive in a place like this.

* * *

**The ****Ten Commandments for Marines **

* * *

**1. **I am Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, your God

**2.** You can have other gods before me, for I have been raised in the US Air Force too and have served under most of your gods and worship them also.

(**2.1** You shall not make yourself an idol for I don't want to check your lockers and find my head photoshopped on a male nude model ever again.)

**3.** You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God or I'll make you clean the whole basement and sign you up as Ronon's sparing partner.

**4. **Remember I like to sleep long unless I want to play golf and keep my morning times holy.

**5. **Honor your parents, but don't except me to do grief counselling for I really do suck at being comforting and emotional, okay?

**6. **You shall not murder, but defending yourself and fighting for the live of people you care about is something else; Shoting McKay is okay too now and then.

**7. **You should commit adultery, for it does release stress, will help you to rest and provide all of us with plenty material for gossip.

**8.** You shall not steal my golf balls and write silly sayings on them and leave them all over the city for I will kill you when I find you!

**9. **You shall not bear false witness unless you're talking to Weir about why those natives threw spears at you.

**10. **You shall not covet your fellow's woman, man or rag doll, for he/she will most likely not shot you for doing so, but won't shot the Wraith heading after you either.

(**10.1** You shall not covet your neighbors's quarters and try to make him/her move out with bobbytraps and/or blackmailing.)


	10. Atlantean Proverbs Lesson 2

* * *

Betaed by Kodiak's sweet breath_  
_

* * *

**Atlantean Proverbs, Lesson 2**_  
_

* * *

_Good things come in small packages from the Daedalus_  
Meaning: Self-explanatory.

_Heaven protects drunkards, McKays and Sheppards._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory and unfair.

_He that's resolved to beat a marine never wants long a stick._  
Meaning: If Ronon is bored, go and hide.

_Honesty is never the best policy._  
Meaning: Try to lie as long as you can! Don't ever admit it! Aliens did do it!

Hundred enemies is too many; and one friend too few.  
Meaning: Self-explanatory.

_Hunger is the best cover-up for strange stuff._  
Meaning: If you haven't eaten for long time, you won't bother with what's on your plate.

_If the Wraith fly low, the wheater's gonna change._  
Meaning: Watch the skies and head for shelter.

_It's never too late to ask McKay to fix it._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory.

_It's the squeaky patient that gets the jell-o._  
Meaning: The more you complain, the more food you get to just shut you up. Thanks to McKay, this acctually does work.

_Keep a thing 10,000 years and you will always find a use for it._  
Meaning: A broken artefact might still be used as an ugly vase or popcorn bowl.

_Keep your friends close; keep your enemies as far away as possible._  
Meaning: Well … If you don't understand, let Sheppard explain it to you.

_Kill two scientists with one artefact._  
Meaning: Not exactly a pure proverb, more of a warning to be true…

_Learn to run before you walk._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory. This is Pegasus.

_Leave it alone and it will grow on its own until you have to bomb it with napalm to get rid of it._  
Meaning: No alien plants in private quarters.

_Might as well be cleaning sanitary tanks for a sheep as a lamb_  
Meaning: If you get trouble for saying the truth anyway, why not making clear for once and for all, golf sucks.


	11. Ten Commandments for Patients and Medics

* * *

**The Ten Commandments for Patients and Medics**

* * *

**1**. I'm Dr Carson Beckett, nice to meet you

**2.** You shall have many other gods before me, and many friends and allies and people you know.

(**2.1** You shall not make yourself an idol, I'm not that good looking and besides it would be silly.)

**3.** You shall not make wrongful use of any ones name, for bashing and cursing is bloody awful!

**4.** Remember to sleep and eat properly, and keep your doctor's orders holy or he might use his big bad syringe with the not so good drugs to make you rest.

**5.** Honor your parents, because they are good people who love you – I hope they are all right? How are your ?

**6.**You shall not murder because I don't like to have people die under my care.

**7.** You shall not commit adultery, for it's unhealthy and it's rather embarrassing to fill in the medical formsafterwards.

**8.** You shall not steal, for it is immoral and not nice.

**9. **You shall not bear false witness, for I'm your doctor and friend, lying is a very bad thing lass lad.

**10.** You shall not covet my nurses, it is their duty to help you, but not with 'those' sort of things.

(**10.1** You shall not covet my infirmary or try to break any of your bones just to stay in there a bit longer; I do not understand why you are so obsessed with coming here in the first place anyway!)


	12. Atlantean Proverbs Lesson 3

* * *

Dear recruit,  
This is the third and last Proverb lesson. There's plenty more, and you will soon notice almost every situation has it's own quote.  
Good luck finding and surviving the experience of Proverb lesson 4-x.

* * *

_Once McKay, twice Zelenka_  
Meaning: Even the toughest marine will be reduced to tears when asking Dr McKay an 'stupid' question; Next time, you will go and ask Radek.

_One alien's meat is another human's poison._  
Meaning: This is Pegasus after all.

_Out of coffee, into danger._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory... Never egt between a scientist and his her coffee.

_Patience, time, and money accommodate all things. Hahaaha!_  
Meaning: Since we have none of those three things, this's an Atlantean standard proverb for catastrophes.

_Problems do still seem so bad if you keep cheerful._  
Meaning: Don't bother trying to find the positive side, 'cause there is none. Waking up the Wraith, blowing up a solar system, killing an entire population… you'll get the idea - eventually.

_Small choice in rotten apples._  
Meaning: The Daedalus has arrived... but your orders haven't. Sometimes Caldwell is tad bit pissed off when forced to go shopping.

_Sometimes the remedy is worse than the disease._  
Meaning: Don't go to the infirmary now; it's Dr. Biro's shift.

_The best way to solve a problem is never to attack it's root._  
Meaning: Going out there and blowing up hiveships or bombing Asuran dockyards has only gotten us into even more problems so far.

_The early scientist catches the coffee._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory.

_The grass is always greener offworld._  
Meaning: Life's better everywhere we have not been. Which is sad but true, especially for the natives of Pegasus….

_The proof of the dinner is in the eating._  
Meaning: One never does know if it will taste good or dreadful until one does eat it.

_The wages of stupidy is death._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory and yet again so true.

_There are plenty more whale in the sea._  
Meaning: Don't go swimming at night.

_There's always a catch._  
Meaning: No matter how careful you are, sooner or later you'll get kidnapped on an offworld mission.

_There's no substitute for experience. Except brains._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory and oh so true.

_These things always come in threes._  
Meaning: Bad things travel in company – Wraith, Asurans, Kavanagh…

_Walls have ears._  
Meaning: Be careful, Chuck can hear you.

_When it rains, it drowns._  
Meaning: Don't forget to always keep spare dry socks somewhere high above the ground; Sometimes it rains sp hard one can't tell if Atlantis has risen or is still on the bottom of the ocean.

_Whoever is fond of coffee should take his supply around with him._  
Meaning: Self-explanatory… and less dangerous.

_Worse things happened at sea._  
Meaning: Look out of the window now and then … be careful.

_You are what you can trade._  
Meaning: Never underestimate the black market or Radek Zelenka.

You can have any jell-o if you don't eat your meat.  
Meaning: If you eat the meat, you will most likely be too sick to eat the jell-o.


	13. Atlantean Newbie Test Number One

* * *

Dear new recruit,

It has been one month since you came here and first read this list.  
Now we shall see if you have truly understood what makes the difference between a dead and a living Tau'ri in Atlantis.  
Please take this short test, and the letters in the brackets shall tell you what you are...

* * *

**1.Who is always right ?**

(S) The person who can yell louder / has controll over the coffee supply / can order you to go offworld with Lorne.

(A) The person who can proof his her theory right.

**2. What is not considered as an argument when Weir / Sheppard / McKay orders you to baby sit natives children, clean the sanitary tanks or work on Wraith technology?**

(D) You being a close relative of Tiger Woods / Stephen Hawkings / Jack O'Neill.

(U) Disgust and dignity.

**3. What is CC plus?**

(R) Official '_Chocolate and Coffee are good_' religion abbreviation.

(E) A Programming Language.

**4. Who did awake the Wraith?**

(V) We do not know.

(A) Colonel Sheppard, accidentally, when shooting the Wraith keeper.

**5. It is your duty…**

(I) To say 'yes sir' and 'you're right, of course' without so much as batting an eyelid.

(D) To critize your commander or chief to help him her improve.

**6.Your boss having lost his her watch offworld and looking for 'volunteers' to go and find it…**

(M) … Isn't your problem.

(V) … Is your problem

**7. The eleventh atlantean commandment?**

(O) I didn't do it.

(A) I can always trust the senior staff to be fair and understanding.

**8. What is an appropriate topic for everyday conversation?**

(N) Your emotions, ideals and true feelings and experiences.

(R) Your favorite machine gun / coffee mug / fungus / golf club.

* * *

_If you got no real word at all, or it does start with a D - better take the next ride on the Daedalus home, or you'll only see earth again in a metal coffin. _


	14. Alien Etiquette for Atlantean Dummies 1

* * *

Dear new recruit,

Being an alien in a far away galaxy certainly is a tad bit tricky;  
But don't worry, we will share our wisdom and new insights on good manners with you.

* * *

**"Alien Etiquette for Atlantean Dummies"**

* * *

**Part 1: Introductions**

Assuming you are on an offworld team, you will regularly run into new civilsation, unusual communities, or friends of friends of relatives of an alien race we once have been befriended with. Each and every situation is unique, so there is no 'manual how to not get killed on first sight'. But here are some important hints and strategies for proper introductions to foreign ethnicities.

**1) We do know those folks. Personally. Colonel Sheppard says they are okay. They make one damn good coffee.**

Lower your weapons on sight.

Start waving and shouting.

Grin and shake hands; do small talk standard questions on family, harvest and so on.

Follow them into the village and enjoy the good coffee, nice women and men and soft cushions.

**2) We do know those folks. Sort of personally. Major Lorne says they are okay. No coffee.**

Lower your weapons on sight, but still keep your P-90 close to hand.

Do the usual greetings and small talk (_not to enthusiastically_); try to think up all reasons why those guys might want to kill or kidnap you and your team.

Let the natives leaders come here and meet you in a neutral place; don't walk into the village.

Be friendly and diplomatic, but always prepared to run for the gate.

**3) We do not know these folks. But Teyla has said they are good farmers and honest people.**

(_A.N.: Check if you wear protective gear._)

Lower your P-90, but let your team keep theirs up, ready to open fire on your command.

Ask the natives catch question like 'do you know the genii' or 'nice fallout shelter you have over there'.

If you find out they are nothing but plain farmers for real, proceed like in 1).

Otherwise, tell them what happened to the last group of guerilla wannabees, why it is such a bad idea to piss of Colonel 'Killer machine' Sheppard and how good a friend he is too you.

**4) We do not know these folks. They seem nice and pretty and say they are the last ancients.**

Check again, in a friendly tone, if they really just said they are 'Ancients'.

Once ensured this is no minor misunderstanding, open fire.

(_A.N.: If they are real ancients, they will ascend, read your mind and dodge the bullets or do what ever ancients just do to save their collective asses.  
If they are no ancients for real, you either kill them, or have found yet another bunch of Asurans doing the lantean cosplay. _)

**5) We do not know these folks. They seem rather angry, stink and look hungry.**

Do not lower your weapons.

Introduce you and your men. Avoid words like 'only' 'want' 'to help' 'awake' 'wraith' or 'ancient city'.

(_A.N.: If they do not lower their pitchforks on offering them food and medical supply, aim above their heads and fire a salvo.  
Run and don't turn around to check if they use narcotic arrows or normal ones._)

**6) We do not know these folks. They behave rude and inhuman, don't answer our questions and try to steal our coffee.**

You have not left Atlantis yet and just happened to stumble into the mess 5.45 in the morning aka 'Feeding time for the higher beings'.

Smile, do not cling to your food and let the scientists get their daily overdose of coffee; don't try small talk or funny comments like 'your hair looks kinda ascended'.

**7) We do know these folks. Crap. Priests.**

Lower your weapons and sigh.

Smile and bow, wait until you are asked to get up again.

Introduce your team and you, be incredible polite and generally try not to enrage the priests.

Follow them where ever they order you to go, and don't whine about your aching legs during meditations, or you might soon wake up with out them.

**8) We hope we do know these gorgeous folks. 'Drool' _How the hell do I write a report for that one?_**

Get rid of your weapons, backpack and dignity.

(_A.N.: Most likly you will forget to introduce you or anybody else anyway because you just want to find out who the hell he she gorgeous is_)

Try not to stutter and stop drooling.

Say 'hello' and hope he she will understand you want to spend the rest of your day / life with him her.

**9) We didn't get to know those folks because they ambushed / kidnap us. Damn.**

You have no weapons you could lower.

Curse a little bit.

Be as diplomatic as possible and try to buy yourself sometime until anybody comes to the rescue.

(_A.N.: Feel free to make the best out of the situation and introduce yourself as 'Binky the Clown' from the planet Häagen dasz_.)

**10) We do know those folks, and wish we didn't. They are green, mean and are literally 'philanthropical'.**

They won't tell you their name anyway; stop trying to be polite or introduce yourself.

(_A.N.: Open fire and hope you'll kill at least two or three of them. _)


	15. Alien Etiquette for Atlantean Dummies 2

* * *

Dear new recruit,

On your various offworld mission, you will be confronted with various dishes and foods very different from earthian (and the more or less ordinary) athosian cuisine. To make it easier for you to behave properly when being invited to a native banquet, here are some simple rules and strategies...

* * *

"**Alien Etiquette for Atlantean Dummies" Part 2 :  
****  
Alien dining for Dummies**

* * *

**Cutlery**

Wooden spoons and bowls are very hygienic and biodegradable; but be warned, for wooden cutlery usually means the native cuisine does consist mosty of things that can eat with a spoon alone. (_Also see Main course, Soups and mash_)

Metallic cutlery is very rare in the Pegasus galaxy, for most of it has been used as a weapon or for trading. If you every come across a culture using metal forks and knifes, be careful; not only is it possible the cutlery may be used against you, but some dishes also tend to taste (_even more_) funny eaten with metallic cutlery (_Remember silver spoons and eggs, and now think up some of the birds you have seen in Pegasus so far…_)

Chopstick may look exquisite and elegant, but only until you have to use them to actually eat something. Remember, this is an official banquet, and you're the representative of earth… In order not to embarrass you and your team, practice using chopsticks at least once a week before going offworld! Better have all Asian members of the expedition laugh at you in the mess than starving offworld on front of a bowl of rice…

The most frequent form of cutlery are your hands. And because you know exactly where you fingers have been, it is not optional but standard to wash your hands before dinner.

**Before Dinner**

Always wash your hands, and use a lot of soap; if possible disinfect them or think of bringing some medical gloves with you. (_For closer information read 'Cutlery'_)

Watch the natives behavior and rites – When in Pegasus, do as the natives do (_unless it is one of those 'mock-the-alien-visitor' things_)

When doing small talk, be polite, sensetive and gentleman like; do not say things like '_What is this horrible smell? Sure hope you don't eat those ugly pigs we saw before_' or '_You're daughter sure is one pretty babe, hu, bet guys line up to just see her, right?_'. If you have to be rude, wait until after the banquet - at least you'll be rather stabbed than poisoned then.

Wait until everybody else is seated or your host leads you to your place before sitting down; you will spend more than enough time sitting on those seemingly comfortable cushions or ottomans, losing all feeling in your feet.

**Appetizer, Starters & Hors d'oeuvre**

Just because it looks like Starters, it doesn't have to be a starter actually. But even if the tiny Bruschettas in front of you is possible all the natives can afford to offer - it is considered rude to eat one's fil of with appetizers.

Always make sure what you're about to eat is a Starter for real; to mistake decoration for Crudités is rather embarrassing.

Insects are very nutritious; Unfortunately, the same goes for eyes and most parts of other beings we tend to eat. You have to be polite, but don't chew unless absolutely necessary. Everything goes down if you just tell yourself it almost tastes like chicken.

**Beverages**

Always think positive – if the liquid does look and taste like water, chances are good it might actually be water.

Before accepting any mystical tea or potion, think of the likeliness waking up next to one of the more aesthetically challenged natives… (_Soon more in 'Urban myths: Aliens made us do it_)

Alcoholics may taste different, look different and smell different – same does not go for their effects (_see above_).

Tea leaves and various flavor enhancing mushrooms are not be consumed; otherwise, even if the correct term for your beverage would rather be 'soup' or 'slightly instabile pudding containing bits of … bits' and you'd rather ask for a spoon than a straw, just drink it.

**Main course**

Take a close look what the natives shovel up their plates, and order or get yourself just the same. Chances are high it might not be poisoned (to much).

Learn to control your gag reflex; diplomacy is nothing but doing the three big **S** (_sweet talk, smiles, swallow gruesome national specialties without wanting to start a war afterwards for crimes against humanity_)

Soups, mashed 'stuff' or minestrone -just be grateful for what you've got and don't wonder what the more solid bits floating on top might be.

Never let anybody recommend you gastronomic specialties. (_Unless you're fond of fish-like thing stuffed with strawberry-like fruits, or steak tartar so fresh you can still hear the animal squeak_)

Do not even think about getting rid of your dish by dropping it on the floor (_you will only murder some innocent pets_) or stuffing your food underneath decorations and in table cracks (_either your host finds out while you're at it, or after you're gone – try to guess how many wars have been started because of bad cuisine…_). Be brave, keep on eating and think of Dr Beckett, his pretty infirmary and the marvelous hospital food you'll get for the next five weeks (_via feeding tube_).

**Dessert**

Every adventurer knows, getting out of a des(s)ert is harder than getting into it. Just try to keep your head up and munch.

Do not try amuse everybody thinking up fantastic names for the dessert; some cooks don't have any sense of humor when their creations are concerned.

Nobody does except you to finish your dessert (_unless you were stupid enough to try use the 'oh, no, please no more of this – uhm, delicious mashed vegetables, I want to leave room for the dessert' before_), so feel free to eat only the save parts and apologize for feeling saturated (_aka 'stuffed and nauseous'_).

Do not cry tears of joy for having survived the banquet; not only would this be indecorous – maybe your host would try to comfort you (_with some sweets or local version of it..._).

**After Dessert**

Now is the time for discussing trades; do not let the banquet scare you off, usually the ingredients are not to blame on the outcome.

Do not ask for doggie bags; not only is it rude to ask for left-overs, but they might take it literally after all…

Do not panic on finding out what you just have eaten.

Ask the chef for all recipes; it will make it easier for Dr Beckett to find the antidote.

**For further help, ask:**

The atlantean Kitchen chef (The nest consultant regarding forms, tastes and best ways to kill / cook alien food)

Dr Rodney McKay (Intergalactic human dustbin, amazing and detailed knowledge on anything edible between Pegasus and Earth)

Ronon Dex (Expert for alien cutlery)

Colonel Sheppard (Expert on poisoned and drugged food; Creator of the 'wait until your geek has tried the natives cuisine and watch his reaction' method)

Dr Radek Zelenka (Specialist on earthian and alien drinking)

Dr Carson Beckett (Witness of alien cuisine and it's immediate or delayed effect on human mind and body)


	16. Atlantean Abbreviations

* * *

Dear new recruits,  
in order help you understand basic conversations on Atlantis and Off-world, we have created a short list of some of the more common abbreviations and acronyms. You will surely find more to add, and will even think up your own.  
But be careful, sometimes a three letter word can result in a three week infirmary stay...

* * *

**Atlantean Abbreviations**

* * *

**B&B** ▷** _Beware and Behave_**  
No matter when, no matter where, always keep in mind and you can't possible go wrong – or at least not too badly.

**BBWP** ▷ **_ Boring Back Water Planet_**  
One of the three basic planet defintions. One of that kind which usually is home to dozens of angry natives shooting at you and your team for no apparent reason. May also be used as a swearword.

**BUGSS ** ▷**_ Bad Uncontrollable Genetic Superior Sheppard_**  
Don't ask, don't tell – and don't mention around Sheppard!! Even 'NAB - Not A Bug' can be lethal at times!!

**DAAB** ▷** _Dumb As A Brick_**  
Has abolutely nothing to do with DAABs, the common nickname for new recruits. Really. Not link at all..

**DDAMMY ** ▷** _Don't Do, Atlanteans Might Murder You (for)_**  
No further explanations needed - things like losing the key for the (coffe) supply room, accidentially turning of hot water in the morning, crashing a puddle jumper ...

**DNAO ** ▷** _Do Not Ask, Okay? _**  
Often used after missions to planets inhabitated by children, angry natives or Wraiths

**DOC** ▷ _**Dead on Contact **_  
No, poisonous coffee is just a urban myth - there's no such thing like little brown caffeine killer beans… Maybe there are some dubious banana's, but that's all.

**DOC** ▷_** Dear Omniscient Carson **_  
The only truly trusted medic on Atlantis.

**FODB** ▷ **_Friends of Doctor Beckett_  
** Beware, once angered, these people can be worse than the Wraith, twice as lethal as a pre-dawn, coffee deprived McKay - and you'll have to go to Dr Biro for your monthly check-up.

**GSW** ▷ _**Gun Shot Wound **_  
Also see 'Friendly fire', DOC and FODB.

**IDDI ** ▷ _**I Didn't Do it **_  
Standart answer on Atlantis, best used before accusation.

**IDR** ▷**_ If in Doubt - Run _**  
The one who stays to find out what color the exploding artefact will show, usually doesn't survive the long enough to make notes.

**MCC** ▷ _**Might Contain Coffee** _  
This is not an abbreviation, but a warning.

**PDA ** ▷ _**Public Display of Affection **_  
Normal meaning; Unless it is used in regard with McKay – then it is short for 'Public Display of Anger'

**PDAU ** ▷ _**Possible Death After Use**_  
98 percent of alien technology should be labeled with this warning

**PDCP ** ▷ _**Planet Definition Committee Pegasus **_  
Yes, those are the guys are responsible for names like '_ML-C7-RR-Forgot-last-number'_, or '_G5-1-Damn-just-dial-the-f--ing-gate_'

**PHAT **▷** _Pretty Hot And Tempting _**  
After two months on Atlantis, you'll notice your in a strange community indeed - people thinking of coffee, and coffee only when hearing 'PHAT!!'

**PKB **▷_ **Pot, Kettle, Black!**_  
Another good description for the McKayish character

**PRS **▷** _ Post Ronon Syndrome_**  
Symptoms are bruises all over your body, various broken bones and a huge grinning Satedan haunting your nightmares; Can also turn into a Pre Ronon Syndrome after some time…

**PYSDIH **▷** _ Pack Your Stuff, Daedalus Is Here_**  
Time to go home -maybe for your own good, maybe for our's.

**SESO ** ▷ **_Same Experiment, Same Outcome_**  
Please don't mix with SPSS!! Result might be lethal!!

**SPSS ** ▷ _**Same Problem, Same Solution **_  
Unless dealing with a shortage on coffee or clean socks, this method won't work out and might endanger you and your fellow co-workers. This is Pegasus after all!

**SRIMP ** ▷_** Sheppard's Rank Is Most Privileged**_  
Who else could possibly spend a whole day cleaning golf clubs, reading Peace & War and annoying the scientists?

**SYNA** ▷**_See, Yell, Never Apologize_**  
This does very much sum up McKay's personality (even though he often has a point...)

**TaD** ▷_** Touch and Die**_  
Generally private things like coffee mugs, laptops, Sheppard's golf clubs… Oh, and don't forget ancient artefacts, untested weapons, athosian moonshine...

**TINWI** ▷** This Is No Wise Idea**  
Famous last words, famous last words… Better learn doing the IDR

**TMTC ** ▷_** Too Many To Count**_  
Unfortunately, this abbreviation is almost always used regarding the numbers of Wraith, natives and anything else attacking you, but never for pleasant things like coffee, free days or times you survived a dangerous situations…

**WAEFR ** ▷_** When All Else Fails Run **_  
No further comment

**WEIR** ▷** Won't Expect Intelligent Recruits / Will Eventually be Induced to Rampage**  
B&B, and she'll be the best boss you ever had; Don't, and she'll be the worst you ever had…

_**WFNM **_ ▷_** Works Not For Me**_  
Sometimes, a missing ATA gene is highly unpractically

**WOSCAT** ▷** _Waste Of Sleep, Coffee And Time_**  
If you believe McKay, almost everything the ancients or new recruits work on


	17. Alien Etiquette for Atlantean Dummies

* * *

Dear new recruits,

Most of you couldn't bring a lot of clothing with you, unsure what to pack setting off into another galaxy.  
To help you make the best out of your scantily clothing, read the following instructions and take them to heart.  
Your exterior is resembling your interior, like it or not – the choice of the right necktie maybe be a choice between life and death.

* * *

** "Alien Etiquette for Atlantean Dummies" ****Part 3 : ****  
****Basic dresscodes for Dummies **

**The Ten Points '_Almost nothing can go wrong_' Dressing Plan**

* * *

1. **Underwear is under everywhere**

After taking a shower, or doing whatever you call morning-wash or, well, cnce you have gotten out of your pyjamas, go and fetch yourself a pair of fresh underwear. Change your underwear regularly, not only when it feels (smells /looks) unpleasant... Remember, the chances of discovering a device beaming away your clothes or glasses allowing people to look beyong your pants and shirts are given, for the ancients had a very strange sense of humor.. And talking about humor - if you have packed any '_funny_' underwear, get rid of it. Wearing 'Monday' panties on Friday is just as embarrassing as being nickname 'teddy bear' after a drunk one night stand; tiny bells sewn to your underwear ain't amusing either...

**_Absolutely Don't Do's:_**

Glow-in-the-dark pants, 'sexy' udies, anything push-up like (for it is just ridiculous to do the Pamela Anderson in Pegasus Galaxy), long johns, no underwear at all

2. **Everyday, Every like, Uniform  
**

Take a look at yesterday's uniform, and make the IFSU Test ('_Is the Fabric Standing Unsupported?_).

Hold it a few centimeters away from you, and let the fabric drop. If it doesn't drop at all or there's a rather loud thud, you either broke some important device you forgot to store away last night, or you really need a clean uniform.

Blood stains, alien goo, leftovers from lunch decorating the front of your shirt or a small shrubbery still clinging to your pants from last time offworld are also a very good (as in '_compelling_') reason to fetch a fresh uniform.

3. **Walking in ones shoes**

Unless going offworld, choose very light ones - canvas shoes or sneakers would be optimum. They will allow you to run on top speed if the device you work on is about to blow up. If you are working in the hangar or lower areas, steel toe-cap shoes may also be an idea - though, on second thought, your feet being guarded for heavy impact, whilst the rest of your body gets roasted isn't a very comforting option either.

_**Absolutely Don't Do's:**_

Flip-Flops, High Heels, Moon boots, platform shoes, Anything blinking or beeping each time you step up, white shoes (unless you're a medic or kitchen aid), cowboy boots…

4. **Mullet for bullet**

To do your hair properly, first of all think of who your are. Marine? Scientist? Botanist? Linguist? Kitchen Maid? Medic? Once your status is clear, step in front of the mirror. First, start combing your hair (if you are bald, please proceed to number 5) and get out that nasty knots. Now, feel free to tie your hair up, put some gel into it or use your dryer to imitate the 80ies look.

**_Please note:_**

Unwashed hair done into a ponytail is still unwashed hair; The ruffled bed look isn't sexy at all (except for Sheppard); Dying your hair looks like die-ing your hair; Comb-over just won't do the trick; Nobody is going to think your brain has increased just because your hair looks great – a perm won't keep you safe from permanent death.

**Important notice !! Never try using any ancient device to get your hair in form!! Have you ever seen an ancient being's hairdo? They might have built great cities, but their hairdo is a complete different matter!!**

5. **Going off (this) world…**

… Isn't the tricky thing – coming back alive is the hard part. Wearing the right clothes will certainly help. First of all, your main goal is to see, not to be seen. Red might be attractive and highlight your tanned skin, but you can be pretty as a corpse too. Inform yourself where you're headed, and dress accordingly to the data. Wearing black and blue hiking through a desert isn't exactly considered as camouflage; Forget getting your gloves heading for the Pegasus version of Antarctica isn't fun either. Also pack your backpack wisely... The likeliness to have to run for your life is higher than the one of having to camp on the planet and needing an air mattress.

6. **Before going to sleep,**

You really should get rid of your daily clothes and change into something comfortable. Even if you feel like dropping dead and can't possible move a single muscle - waking up in the morning with bruises and wrinkles from your Buds ain't great either. As for choose of night clothes, try to be decent. Silk negligees and sexy lingerie are only worn by two-week recruits, who have yet to experience a nightly practicing alarm or emergencies, wearing protective gear over Winnie Pooh shorts...

7. **Spending a day off**

It's a rare gift to have 27 hours spare time, so do you best to enjoy them properly. Do not try to dress up to much, even though it might be tempting to once change into something more colorful than blue and beige once a while. But – please don't overdo it.

Taste in clothes is one thing, visual warfare another. To check if you are dressed correctly for a joyful day off, look into the mirror and compare yourself to an Asuran, Ancient or Wraith / Drag queen. If you think anything you look anything alike one of those, it's time to change.

8.** Mournings and funerals**

These are sad, though constant parts of the life in Pegasus. Sometimes you'll see your own people being carried home, sometimes you will have to attend a natives funeral. Always keep in mind, your choice of clothes does resemble your respect and feelings towards the deceased person and the mourners. To spare yourself some awkwardness, keep away from doing the man / woman in black, for might be considered a little bit over the top, even hypocritical; Also keep away from veils and 'weeds', for the outcome might be grotesque. Wear your best, darkest uniform, comb your hair and be polite and earnest. And for god's sake, don't try to cheer anybody up – we can't afford to have another nation at war with Atlantis for an idiotic comment containing 'at least' and 'you should be glad'.

9. **Weddings, Festivals and other happy celebrations**

If you enjoy yourself on a party isn't the point of this list, but if other can enjoy or at least stand seeing you. If people tend to get upset at you dressing inappropriate on a funeral, try to imagine what they be like on 'the best day in your life'. To prevent further injuries inflicted by both Atlanteans and Pegasus natives , choose your evening dresses and suits wisely. Here are some vital hints…

Only the bride is going to wear white / red / pink / whatever is thought of nicely on this planet; So unless you want to be accidentally given away to some complete stranger, pick another color for your clothing.

Make-up and special hair-dos are tabu offworld; After some embarrassing negotiations why we won't trade mascara and lip gloss for grains, Weir has put on some heavy restrictions and punishments for people trying to get around the directive. You sure don't want to clean the lower sections for some highlighted eyebrows…

The urge to spruce yourself up and put on flamboyancy when getting an invitation is a common problem among scientist as well as marines – and not only the elder ones. Maybe standing on a scale while putting on your jewellery might help. If you gain more than one pound, your doing something wrong; Stepping out into the sunlight and see if the reflection of the metal is strong enough to light up the whole west pier is also a safe test. Keep in mind, you have been invited as a guest, not as a Christmas tree substitute.

10. **Keeping the Clothes – Ancient Washing**

Don't let yourself be fooled by elder staff telling you there no such thing as a washing machine on Atlantis. It's one of the tiny inane jokes being pulled on every newbie. Hopefully you get to read this before falling into the ocean or setting your apartment under water…

You will find the launderette on the eat pier, level three. Of course you could try the ancient hamper system – but given the age and malfunctions of the city, this is no good idea at all.

Sorting your clothes won't help anything, just throw all of them into one of the (surprisingly familiar) white cubes. Close the lid, and punch some buttons at random. There's mannual to it and the symbols don't make any sense, so just give it a try. Hit the tiny oval button on the very left and step back (_hiding for cover is for once not necessary_).

After seventeen minutes, the machine will stop and the lid will pop up again. Take a look inside, if it does look like your clothes, only a cleaner version and properly folded, get them out of the cube and leave for your quarters. If the clothes don't belong to you, but are you size anyway and don't look to odd, take them with you aswell. If you can't even come up to guess what the hell the ancient washer did to your clothes, close the lid again and try another combination of commands. Repeat until you'll get something back at least partly designed for humans. Try not to despair on getting back pink panties size 6 in exchange for black shorts size 46 for the third time …


	18. 10 Hints for Heightmeyer

* * *

Dear new recruit,

Each one of us has at least once, more often twice a month talk with Dr Heightmeyer. Most of us are ordered to, some go willing. While she is a very competent, very nice woman who is really trying to help you along, you have to be careful not to fall for her little tests and experiments.

Here are 10 typical questions and tasks, and which answers you'd better not give her – unless you want to be send back home immediately, be put under security arrest for life time or serve as a study object to Dr Heightmeyer.

* * *

**10 Hints for Heightmeyer**

* * *

**1. Has Atlantis changed you eating habits?**

Be careful – telling the truth might not be wise; but lying won't help either. Don't exaggerate, but keep in mind you're not the first recruit trying to tell her 'Yes, spinach pudding is delicious, and I really do love sour sweet alien chicken or whatever that feathered thing was!"

Definitly wrong answers are:

✕_Yes. I lost 20 pounds during the first month._

✕_Yes. Dr Beckett says I was the first case of male morning sickness he has witnessed to far._

✕_No. 'burp' Sorry._

✕_No. A human can live on powerbars quite long._

✕_No. But I understand why Wraith fed on humans; I guess it's safer than those alien grains and vegetables._

**2. How would you rate and describe your quarters?**

Please keep in mind, Dr Heightmeyer can't assign you to a new quarter, and trying to argue you need a bigger room because you feel claustrophobic in your old one won't result in you moving out, but in her starting a therapy on you.

Never compare your quarters to those of others! It will make you look envious and greedy. (Therapy)

Never say things like '_In the light of the setting sun my room is incredible cozy_', for it sounds like you are oedipal and wish to return to your mother's womb. (Long, exhausting therapy)

**3. Which comic super hero would you like to be?**

Wrong answers:

✕_Superman _– too idealistic, wants to save everybody, yet incredible arrogant and feeling superior. Most likely to run amok one day.

✕_Wolverine_ – animalistic, uncontrolled nature, enjoys inflicting pain, very disturbing, negative world view. Most likely to commit suicide.

✕_Batman _– feels inferior, longs to be more manly, longs for a impressive phallic car, has problems dating other persons. Most likely to become gay.

✕_Phoenix _– sexual fantasies of dominating and being dominated, insecure, wants to be able to read other's minds to manipulate them. Most likely to become a mad scientist or librarian.

**4. The Ultimatum test**

This is a very effective test to find out how fair and social you are. Dr Heighmeyer will ask you what you would do if she gave you a bag of Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee beans – which you had to share with somebody else. You could decide on how much coffee beans you would offer this person (you would have no chance for negotiation); If your partner didn't accept your offer, none of you would get any beans.

Wrong answers are:

✕_I offer a share of 100 percent for I don't like coffee anyway._

✕_I offer him or her a small share of 10-40 percent. The person will accept it anyway, for a hand full of Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee beans is better than none. Unless this person is Dr McKay or anybody else who is likely to murder me in my sleep._

✕_I offer him or her a share of 50 percent. It's just fair, and the other is going to accept it._

Right answer (Atlantean logic):

✚_I offer him or her a huge share of 60 to 90 percent. I know the scientists will go after the person with the bigger share, which will keep me safe._

**5. Your advice to new recruits?**

This is a rare question; For you're most likely to be send back to earth anyway, it doesnot matter what you'll answer her. To be asked what you would say to your potential successor is kinda obvious.

**6. Are you currently in a relationship?**

This question is the verbal equivalent to a tiny snow flake that does start an avalanche. Dr Heightmeyer has started out as a couple therapist; so naturally getting to know details on your private life will result in her taking action. The only thing you can do then is limit the damage.

Never let any names slip. Elephants and psychologists never forget anything.

Don't ask for advice. You may get it.

Be carefully not to make her think you might be single; you will either end up paired up with somebody you despise or gay.

You are not happy. No. If you say you're in a happy, stable relationship, she will ask you dozens of questions until you yourself start to doubt you have ever been in love for real.

Don't try to fool her and say you're favouring somebody but are to shy to ask him her out. Or else she will think it's her duty to hook you up.

**7. What is your favourite Movie? How often have you seen it?**

Since there's only a limited choice of Movies available on Atlantis, it's very likely Dr Heightmeyer has seen them too. So, be careful to not even mention those five from the red list.

✕ _The Silence of the Lambs_ (Will result in many further sessions, and you being restrained)

✕ _Man Bites Dog _(Either you'll be arrested, or put on suicide watch)

✕ _Basic Instinct_ (For your own safety, do not mention this, the resulting discussions are long and boring)

✕ _Bambi_ (You will be taken from your team and be tested for your emotional endurance to no end; most likely she will have you reduce to thumb sucking by the end of the week)

✕_Any movie with Barbara Streisand in it. _(You'll never see the end of it.)

**8. How do you spend you free time?**

Wrong Answers:

_I have no free time. You will be forced to take some time off, even if 24 hours sitting in a white room 'relaxing' will bore you to death._

_I lock myself up in my room and enjoy the silence for once. You will soon learn of the joys of having to participate in funny outdoor games and having just a jolly day spend discussion the importance of toilet paper together with 30 of your closest friends or so._

✕ _I sleep, read just hang round doing nothing. You have no hobbies, you're afraid of finding out just how creative you are! You will spend hours on hours forming small men out of pug or learning how to do a picture of Atlantis in cross stitch._

✕ _I'm so busy relaxing it's also more work than working for real! Hopefully you like to meditate and sing Ohm. For that's what you'll do every bloody Sunday from now on._

**9. Atlantean Rorschachtest**

You will be shown 4 different ancient wall designs. There are a dozen possible things you might spot there, but there are three things you'd better not tell Dr Heightmeyer about, or you'll be her new favorite guinea pig.

✕_ I see a female / male sexual organ_.  
Splendid. She'll never let you go again, and you will be shown some really disturbing ancient pornographic pictures.

✕_I see food. Isn't that a souffle?_  
If you spot something to eat 3 or even 4 times, you'll either be degraded to be a kitchen aid, or you will (ab)used on an offworld team as a food detector …

✕_Uhm – well, I see an ancient wallpaper_.  
One of the few things that can anger Dr Heightmeyer is not playing along with her tests. You'll notice you said something wrong when she's smiling at you serenely and starts asking you about your childhood; if she's really mean, she won't stop until she's see you reduced to tears when you remember your favourite goldfish dying 32 years ago.

**10. Do you love your mother / father?**

Beware! This question will take you by surprise, for you never saw it coming (which is part of her strategy). Dr Heightmeyer is a big Freudian, so this is the trickiest and meanest question she can ask you. Every answer is somehow wrong – there's just no right, only a slight difference in how wrong (meaning bad for your psyche and health) your answer is.

**Very wrong**

✕ _Yes, I do love my father / mother.  
_ From this second on, you won't ever be the same again. Dr Heightmeyer will question you solely on your early childhood, and in the end you will be convinced it's good you're on Atlantis for you'd otherwise would end up killing one parent for you are so in love with the other.

**Sort of Wrong**

✕ _I don't like / hate them. _  
So you have got very traumatic event hidden deep in you're consciousness, which has to be rediscovered to prevent further damage. You will be surprised how horrible and dark your child hood was looking back; Soon you will be sleeping with a teddy bear again and be afraid of monsters underneath your bed.

Not completely but stil quite wrong

✚ _Well, they are sort of okay. Dunno._  
So you don't care for your parents, you are an social handicapped being! You're not emotionally attached to the humans that raised you; you're in desperate need of a therapy to make you feel loved. (Hopefully, we'll never find the alien form of dolphins, god only knows what she might prescribe you.)  
Best chase, you will only end up being patted and fondle all day long by your team and peers; worst chase scenario, you will find out grown-ups can be swaddled too.


	19. Being Macgyver for Dummies

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
Of course, nobody can become a true Mackayver over night.  
But here are some valuable Do's and Don'ts that might help you on the way of becoming one.

* * *

**Being Mackayver for Dummies**

* * *

✔ **Duct Tape**  
No matter what happens, as long as you have got enough duct tape, everything will be okay. You can use it to attach things on surfaces, fix broken gadgets, artefacts or torn clothes, and of course you can always use it to build a huge flycatcher when being hunted by the Wraith, hoping they will stick to it.

✔ **Alien Plants**  
There is a rather good reason why Major Lorne has got a botanist on his team. Mackayver may have used all sort of plants to make bombs, batteries or marmalade out of them – but he did so on earth! Please, no matter how bad things looks, never try building any sort of weapon out of an alien plant. Given their weird DNA, they might grow in bomb shape then, or mutate into a whole new species; the last thing we need is another super villain race on our heels.

✔ **Paperclips**  
No, we will not teach you the trick how to use a paperclip and some strings to undress a woman! Pervert! But you can always use a paperclip to open up a door lock or some handcuffs, to disarm a bomb, activate an ancient device or just simply keep those damn mission reports in the right order.

✔ **Cup Plunger**  
They are not exactly easy to hide inside ones back pack or pants, but if you have one with you in a dangerous situation, it's surely useful. You can fool some villager by saying it's a wand, or beat a Wraith up with it (Of course, a big stick would also do the job, but that would be so uncool ); you might as well use it to clear some alien princess's drain and thus become king!

✕ **Magnets**  
Forget it. On earth they might be useful, disabling locks, destroying stored data or just find your keys in the laundry – but in Pegasus? Either the Wraith catch you and lock you up - in an organic cell. Or the Replicators will get their hands on you – but crystals aren't magnetic either. And opening a 300 pound iron cell or a wooden door with a tiny magnet is impossible, even for Mackayver.

✔ **Spoons, forks and plates**  
Cutlery is the very damn best thing one can have at hand in times of need! You use it to open doors, get the panel off the circuits to disable some force field or throw it on the floor to confuse your enemy so you can tackle him with your bare hands (of course Wraith, Repliactors and angry villagers do not know what cutlery is there for, so they will stop and examine it). The problem one might face is the kitchen chef – she does wage war on anybody stealing kitchen utensils – if it wasn't for her, we might have won this war long time ago.

✕**Toilet Paper**  
No, nobody can built a nuclear bomb out of toilet paper (or rolls), chocolate, aspirin and some weapon grade plutonium – not even McGyver.

✕ **Swiss Knife**  
Do we even need to tell you what you can do with a Swiss knife? You could win a war, invent cold fusion, repair Atlantis, defeat the Wraith, remove an explosive tumor from your fellow team mate without anaesthetization or carve a ZPM while being held captive by the replicators (which you could easily open up using your can opener). So, the only thing you need to find out first is how to get that damn thing to open up without slicing yourself up first. Good luck.

✔ **Bubblegum and bubblegum papers**  
Even if you don't know how to make a bomb out of it, a bubblegum can be very useful in times of need. First of all, you can chew the gum to calm yourself down. Then you can use the paper to create a shortcut to get out of a holding cell, or make a lure out of it to catch some fish when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere starving, or make a small mirror out of it to reflect the sun to either start a fire or send a SOS. Of course you can also fold a little ship out of it and play with it to cover up the time until you are rescued so you won't die from boredom meanwhile.

✔ **Toaster**  
Even a complete dummy could built a stargate using a bit naquadah and a toaster; but since Dr Weir has forbidden us to make the blue print public (She's afraid soon everybody will have on in his her room, dialing home nonstop) you will have to find out on your own how to do so.

✔ **Instant glue**  
The most useful thing you might have with you. Not only can put some of it on the cell floor, call the guard in and knock him out while he's trying to get his feet free, you can also use it to repair an ancient artifact or coffee mug you broke (or put it on someone's keyboard so that you a few minutes ahead to start the puddle jumper up and flee to the mainland…)

✕**Bed frame springs**  
Well, just forget it. You will never be held captive in a room with anything but a blanket, a bucket and a bowl of really disgusting soup, since bed springs have not been invented by the natives of Pegasus yet. Don't even bother to think of what you might do with them when being held captive, it's just a waste of time.

✔ **Pitchforks, scythes and other natives 'weaponry'**  
If you're not on the receiving end of those things, those things can be very, very useful. You can either keep the villagers at a distance whilst hiding in some small hut after (again) saying the unspeakable - Or you might use the wooden shaft to light some fire, then melt the metal, fill it into small forms you have made out of brick first, polish the bullets once they are cooled down, fill them with gunpowder you got by grinding some local plants to dust and restock your P-90. (Might take some time, but a true piece of Mackayverism.)

✔ **Water**  
Usually the one thing you're not short on. Not only good for drinking, washing yourself or drowning in it, but also very handy to escape out of a prison cell. You take the water, pour it into the lock or whatever and try to get it to freeze, thus splitting the lock (Chemicals might now get in hand to speed the process up … otherwise you will have to wait for the next winter).

✔ **Ancient crystals**  
Unfortunately, Mckay refused to add some of his own experiences, even though his informal nickname is 'McKayver'. Feel free to use gate crystals for puddle jumper circuits, shield crystals for disrupter weapons and never mind to cannibalize parts from broken artefacts to get another one working. After all, it's like a children's toy – it all comes down to inserting the blue cube with the green cow into the yellow oval whole…

* * *

**If you have read this list so far, but still don't have a clue what to do, maybe just memorize the following list…**

* * *

✼5 things that will always work out, no matter how bad and uncreative a Mackayver wannabe you are✼

* * *

✼ A power bar, a cup of fresh hot coffee and an '_even __Kavanagh__ can fix that_';  
Will restart a scientist that has given up all hopes if ever repairing an artefact in time  
(If said scientist is just lazy or unwilling to help, use '_I could always call McKay, I'm sure he's not asleep already_') (_Also called the 'Sheppard is mean Method'_)

✼A pair of military boots, a days worth of frustration and some swear words;  
is all that is needed to kick an ancient power generator back to life or a door open (Jerkism, but it works out)

✼A syringe, a pair of medical gloves, a really huge grin and the promise of a detailed 'full body exam';  
will do the trick to cure every hypochondria and scare every enemies off (_The 'Witchdoctor' plan_)

✼ A dirty screwdriver, a nickname like 'clumsy Claus', a few pimples and a 'Oops, not again' mantra followed by loud clattering noise ; Do this constantly, and the trust into your abilities is ruined soon, keeping you away from the really dangerous things like repairing puddle jumpers or going on offworld mission (_The 'Smart method'_)

✼A first aid kit, a tool box, safe vest, three guns, batteries, torch, lighters, a tent, an extra head set, warm clothing, fire extinguisher, teargas, food supplies, water purification tabs, your last will, fare well letters to all of your friends and family;  
Called the '_Murphy's Law_' method, you will never get into any dangerous situation – as long as you are prepared for everything…


	20. Lantean Gramma Part 1

* * *

Dear new recruits,

Some of you come from non-English speaking countries, so now and then you are bond to mess up some words.  
Here are a few mnemonics for tricky words to help you distinguish their different meanings.

* * *

**Lantean Gramma lessons  
Part 1**

* * *

****** All ways vs. always**  
Run first, ask later is always a good idea, but not all ways will lead you away from the life sucking Wraith / the human killing Asuran / angry McKay.

******Hang vs. hanged**  
Ah, never mind newbie, you are not the first one making us hang our clothes outside for weeks. Sometimes it happens people blew something up and getting themselves and others soiled in some disgusting alien goo...  
But if you do that again, you will be the first one hanged outside to dry, got that?

******Hypercritical vs. Hypocritical**  
McKay is hypercritical of anybodies work, so being hypocritical won't help you at all.

******Aggravate vs. Irritate**  
If you irritate pissed off senior staff any further, it will only aggravate your condition.

******Incredible vs. Incredulous**  
If an ancient artefact's readings are incredible, you should be incredulous.

******Loath vs. Loathe**  
I loathe fixing wastewater system; but if I say I'm loath to fix wastewater systems, McKay will sign me up for offworld missions.

******Quash vs. Squash**  
(though there is not that much of a difference detectable on the following examples)  
Weir's new 'no coffee if you blow something up' sure quashed us.  
Ronon sure knows how to squash new recruits.

******Prescribe vs. Proscribe**  
For every good thing Beckett prescribes you, he will proscribe you an even better one.

******Whole vs. Hole**  
It has been three days since the Daedalus left, and you already consumed your whole coffee / chocolate supply? Damn... better go and dig yourself a hole to burry yourself in man!

******Single vs. Singular**  
All scientists are singular, that's the reason they are single.

******Solid vs. Stolid**  
Ronon is a stolid guy; his fist is solid.

******Tortuous vs. Torturous**  
Prudish villagers are usually tortuous, and will be torturous on being angered.

******Peal vs. Peel**  
The peel of McKay's voice can peal your skin off.

******Babes vs. Babies**  
First one you drool after, later one drools on you.

******Perimeter vs. Parameter**  
If you get a parameter wrong, it might bring you close to the perimeter of a catastrophe.

******Cult vs. Occult**  
When facing a 'we need a sacrifice for insert name of stupid backwater planet god here' cult, it's time to find an occult place for yourself.

******Magnificent vs. Munificent**  
A magnificent idiot is one who manages to accidentally blow himself up with an ancient hairdryer.  
A munificent idiot is one who gives you his coffee allowance before blowing himself up with an ancient hairdryer.

******Overdo vs. Overdue**  
The team is overdue – looks like they've overdone it once again.

******Genius vs. Genus**  
McKay is a genius, but he belongs to the genus of demon.

******Altar vs. Alter**  
Once you have been tied down on the altar, nothing but brute force and bullets can alter the priest's objective target of sacrificing your whatever's to some weirdo goddess.

******Retch vs. Wretch**  
Though you are a wretch, I do pity you when hearing retch for days because no one told you about the difference between earth banana's and alien banana's.

******Peruse vs. Pursue**  
If he had perused the manual before starting the machine up, we would have to pursue his mini-me form!

******Patience vs. patients**  
Dr Beckett never runs low on patients; Dr McKay always does run low on patience.

******Bolder vs. Boulder**  
Marines are usually bolder because they are boulder.

******Effect vs. Affect**  
The effect of an artefact may affect your health.

******Contiguous vs. Contagious**  
Our apartments are contiguous; I would have kept my balcony doors shut if I had known he was_ that _contagious!


	21. Atlantean Holidays

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
in order to help you feel more comfortable and understand a few Atlantean traditions, here is a short list of holidays which are considered important on Atlantis.

* * *

**The Atlantean Holidays, provisional**

* * *

** Carnival**  
Date: Middle of February  
Since Atlantis does miss the five essential things to make a great carnival (beer, tequila, hot music, pretty dancers, more beer) this is a sad affair and should best be forgotten. Red cardboard nose are just not funny.

** Easter holidays**  
Date: Should be somewhere in March or April?  
Except for a short vesper for those who'd like to attend, this holiday isn't any special from other days. For this is a multinational expedition, religion based official holidays would do no good. In the first year the senior staff thought about setting up an Easter egg hunt; but since there's no way to tell what might hatch out off eggs not found, the idea was given up again. This is Pegasus after all.

** St. Holy cow Batman's day **  
Date: 12nd May  
A '_Beware the Weir_' day. On this day, McKay, Zelenka, Sheppard and Lorne have to give Dr Weir a full official debriefing on the progress made in the labs and on the major offworld missions over the past year. This report goes off to the SGC, and will influence the funding for the expeditions. So naturally, most of the senior staff will be a bit … insufferable during this time. This holiday is used to bond with ones colleagues, for they are in the same situation and may know some tricks how to avoid McKay and Sheppard one doesn't. Usually ear plugs, tissues and free back rubs are given to sweethearts and best friends to prove ones affection.

** Feel free to clean festival**  
Date: Usually once a month  
One of the three '_Beware the Weir_' days; better known as '_The return of the charlady_'. After getting a glimpse of one of the more comfortable (as in 'a bit messy') quarters, Weir give everybody on Atlantis half a day off – so that they can, if they feel like it, tidy up their quarters, or the halls and common rooms… Or the sanitary systems if one didn't get the 'voluntary' part…

**Merry Trade mass**  
Date: First week of October  
The second of the '_Beware the Weir_' days. During the first weeks of October most of our regular trading partners will bring in their harvest, and it is up to Dr Weir to make up new trade agreements. Since the shipping of the grains and other goods needs constant supervision (for the Pegasus natives do know hell of a lot about profit maximization), almost everybody will be signed up for an offworld team sooner or later. Which is quite nice for a change, because most of our trading partners are jolly folks who love to celebrate - and get us drunk so we won't notice the minor alterations on the trading agreements… Which is where the 'Beware the Weir' part comes in, for one will have to explain how beer suddenly became way more important than potatoes and herbs, and how one changed the trading agreements according to it…

**Hanuffee**  
Date: varies, usually 8 days before the Daedalus drops out of hyperspace

On the evening of the ninth day til D-Day, somebody notices there's only coffee for one day left. Panic starts to spread, when out of nowhere the smell of sweet roasted coffee comes! Soon the kitchen chef will appear, holding a pot of fresh delicious coffee, soothing the masses. Though only minutes ago, everybody would have sworn there was not one single coffee bean left on the base, the coffee last for another miraculously 8 days, until the new consignment is delivered!  
(Anybody solving the mystery behind this will be exiled for high treason. Ignorance and coffee are bliss.)

**Hellowraith**  
Date: October, 31th  
Except for the annoying kids ringing your doorbell, the absence of sweets, and the poor choice in horror movies, this holiday is just the same as on earth.

**Be grateful for what you've got day**  
Date: Fourth Thursday in November  
In the evening, everybody comes down to the mess hall to celebrate the fact we have enough food to complain about breakfast, lunch or dinner tasting strange.

**D-Day**  
Date: Monday or Tuesday, every second month  
In the morning, everybody will get up, eyes bright with expectation and joy. People will sing, get along with each other and have a great time; now and then someone will hack into the city security system to 'test' the long range sensors and see if there is any sign of the Daedalus yet. When Santa Cla – uhm, Caldwell will hail Atlantis, everybody will put down work and go down to pier 2, to watch Santa's little helpers sort through the luggage; some will even faint from excitement on seeing their things having made it through. With big glowing eyes and serene smiles, the scientists will float around in the labs, happily sipping on a cup of fresh brewed coffee. An air of happiness and peace will linger everywhere … at least until we run out of chocolate or coffee again.

** New recruits day **  
Date: January, 1th  
On this day, everybody who has been on Atlantis less than a year gets to celebrate his/ her survival up so far; if you have made some friends already, you might even get a cake or something. From this day on, you are no new recruit anymore, you're an official Atlantean. You will still be considered stupid, unfit and a threat to security by all senior staff, but at least you have earned the right to be arrogant towards new recruits. Happy new recruits day!


	22. Basic Geography

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
Sooner or later almost everybody will find him / her in a situation best described 'completely and utterly lost on a foreign planet';  
Do not let anybody tell you this only happens to newbies...  
This short list might (_or not_) help you find you way back to the Stargate, Puddle jumper or at least some village with not quite so unfriendly human beings. Good luck

* * *

**Basic Geography – or '_How the hell do I find home again?_'**

* * *

**1. Are you lost?**  
'lôst' – You have no idea where you are, no clue how to get back to the point where you still knew where you were, and feel the beginnings of a mild hysteria.

Option: _Yes, I am lost_ - Go to number 6.  
Option: _I'm not quite sure if I am lost _- Go to number 2.

**2. Parameter Check**  
Place both feet on the ground (if you're hanging on a cliff or branch, Go to number 9.), and slowly turn around. Repeat this until you have taken a good look at everything surrounding you.

Option: I just realized I have not moved at all since I stepped through the gate / out of the puddle jumper, for it is still behind me - Go to number 8.  
Option: I am surrounded by Wraith / wild animals / angry villagers / monsters - Go to number 9.  
Option: I can't figure out where I came from, since there's nothing but 360 panorama view trees / rocks / ice / metal round me - Go to number 3.

**3. Double check the situation**  
You have just found yourself in the quite unpleasant, but not immediately life threatening situation of being lost in the middle of nowhere (nohwâr – any place not home).

Option: Check your radio, and if you have one, your life sign detector. If there's no sign of your team on either one, proceed to number 4.  
Option: Check you radio, turn it on if you forgot to do so earlier, and try not to wince on having your team leader yell into your ear for 20 minutes for getting lost. Stay where you are and wait until they pick you up. Go to number 8.

**4. Panic level 1 to 5**  
You are currently standing on a small clearing / open place / crossing of tunnels or streets / dune and think about what you should do next. Everything round you looks just the same, you do not know which of the three suns / moons above you will go down where and your compass is about as much as useful as a candy bar to find your way.

Option: Take a closer look on the ground; maybe you find your own footprints and can follow them (this should not encourage you to pollute alien environments by playing _Hänsel & Gretel_ just in case you get lost…). If you do, follow them back to your team / village / Stargate and think about number 8.  
Option: Sit down, have a snack and watch the clouds. The chances of you finding your team by walking round are far less the chances of your team finding you if you just wait, and go on to number 5. Unless you are one hundred percent convinced your team won't look for you, is dead already, or will not find you no matter how long you wait. If that's so, proceed to number 6.  
Option: You can't view any clouds, for you are in the underground, and you don't feel much like waiting for your team to come looking for you. Go to number 6.1.

**5. I'm lost, I'm bored, and it looks about to rain**  
You are still MIA offworld, have finished your snack and are bored out of your mind. You still don't feel much like running round, hoping to find your way back home all on your own.

Option: After waiting for 48 hours, roam you backpack for anything remotely tool like, and start to fix yourself a shelter. Once you're done, mark it so your team mates will recognize it if they stumble across your self-made quarters, and collect some dry wood. Make yourself a bowl, go and look for water, maybe test some local plants whether they are edible or not, grow yourself a beard and continue playing Robinson Crusoe until you die instead of trying to find your way back home. Go and read number 8 before you use this paper for lighting the fire.  
Option: Get nervous, check your watch every 5 seconds, wait for another 4 hours, and finally decide you'd better get going, no matter where, since nobody will come to get you - Go to number 6.

**6. You are Fubar**  
You are lost, nobody is looking for you, and if you don't save yourself, nobody else will. So, no pressure here. Either you start walking, or will die on some boring planet whose name you forgot.

Option: Try to recall every fact you know about this planet – try to block out unhelpful information like '_number of new recruits gone MIA on this planet_' or '_101 poisonous plants you won't spot until they kill you_'. Maybe you come across something helpful like 'the biggest moon rises in the north, and the gate is the south', and thus have an idea where to go to. If you do, go on to number 10.

If not, continue with number 7.

**6.1. Ancient facilities and alien tunnels**  
The good news – whoever built those tunnels and halls had a plan for them. So, there's got to be a logic behind it (thought you can't phantom which) and all you have to do follow them to the end / beginning.

Option: Continue walking, mark the walls with signs so you won't go down them twice, and hope you are not walking towards the biggest failure yet seen done by the ancients. So, you should either go to number 9 or 10.  
Option: If you only run into dead ends, or go in circles, you might consider digging your way out. Unless you know you are so deep down it might be considered up again from the other side, this might be a good idea – though it is quite likely the whole structure will collapse on you, resulting in number 9.  
Option: If you still have your laptop with you, and happen to be in an ancient facility, hook it up and hack into the system to either download a map or contact your team. Go to number 8 for not thinking of this any sooner.

**7. Hardest choice of all**  
There are approximately 4.000 billion ways to miss the damn stargate / your team / the only sentient being in this planet once you start walking, especially if you have no idea where you are.

Option: Take a chalk or whatever you can find, and mark every step you with a cross – carve it into a tree if you have too. Try not to despair on finding your own signs after 6 hours hiking, and continue in the other directions. Sooner or later you will have covered the whole planet (number 9.), or found the damn stargate (number 10).  
Option: Climb on the highest tree / rock / dune whatever (unless you are in an alien tunnel system) and look around if you spot something particular interesting. Try to memorize the direction, and start walking. Pretend you just know where you are headed. Occasionally scream on top of your lungs – it will relieve tension, and maybe somebody (-thing) will hear you.

**8. Face it. You are an idiot.**

**9. You are screwed.**

Option: Yell, scream, cry for help and make your final prayers.  
Option: Close your eyes and hope this is just a really mean dream.

**10. Finally!**  
You have made it back home! With some luck, you are not even stuck in a timeloop or accidentally tripped over to some parallel universe.

Option: Find out what happened to your team, organize a rescue party (or try to kill them for not coming to your rescue but leaving you on that damn planet).  
Option: Faint on the spot, let some nice nurse patch you up and proudly show of your scars (from bumping into 'dangerous' rocks). Throw a thantrum at everybody for not caring about you, leaving you to die out there. Suffer from bad traumas for at least the next two months, and let yourself be signed for 'very, very slight duty'.Exploit the guilt feelings of your team mates as long as it lasts.


	23. The secret chapter

* * *

Dear new recruit,

If Lt. Colonel Sheppard is ever to find this piece of writing, you have no idea who gave it to you!  
This sheet was designed to help you get along with the person in charge of you and stop you from falling for the most obvious and oldest jokes on the whole base.

This piece of paper will self destruct 20 seconds after reading.

* * *

➲**24 things Sheppard will never tell you for they are true (and might come back at him)**➲

* * *

➲There is no such thing as force fields on Atlantis; there only is one messy death when hitting the ground after jumping down from one of the towers. But if I told people about it, no scientist in the right mind would fix anything on the outside...

➲The 'atlantean fly' is nothing but a crazy myth – though its my favorite joke to drive new recruits nuts.

➲A penny falling from the top of the main tower is still nothing but a penny when hitting the ground; there no such thing like being killed by a penny, no matter from where it falls down (otherwise we would have used this for a weapon against the Wraith a long time ago). But an idiot jumping from the main tower testing the 'force field' myth might kill you when falling upon you.

➲My IQ isn't higher than McKay's – but I'm better at bluffing and making people think I am the smarter one.

➲So far, no offworld team has encountered any civilization practicing virgin sacrifice rituals, '_welcome the strangers orgies_' or horny amazons colonies; even if we ever run into such worlds, we would never ever establish trade with them. But we keep that one up for PR reasons.

➲Aliens can't make you '_do_' anything. But it makes writing mission reports easier.

➲I can not order anybody on my team around – not Teyla, not Ronon and for sure not McKay. I can only hope we're headed in the same direction and look like a team on the outside.

➲Ronon can't snap of your head with one hand.  
(_But given a wooden sword and a good reason, he'd sure give it a try._)

➲Nymphomaniac alien priestess and chief daughters are no myth – but neither are angry priests, aggressive husbands, overprotective fathers and prudish natives.

➲I did not kill 200 Genii with nothing but a swiss knife and two toothpicks; in fact it were far less and I had the big guns. But it's all about reputation, right?

➲Nobody can built a bomb out of coffee, lip gloss, bubblegum wrappers and a matchbook. I do not expect anybody to try for real – except for McKay maybe – and keep telling the myth for the simple reason of having those new scientists standing in awe and give their best.

➲My hair does not stand up like this on it's own.

➲Atlantean toilet bowels can't suck you into the ocean if you think about pink elephants while sitting on them. But it's one cool joke, isn't it?

➲So far nobody, (for sure not I) have managed to beat Ronon or Teyla in a fair fight;

➲Citrus does not repel alien mosquitoes or other insects; the myth however does thrive McKay up the wall for he still thinks this really does help against bugs.

➲Atlantis is a guy, not a lady. But still likes me best.

➲Going offworld isn't that much fun...

➲I can fly anything – getting the craft back in one piece is something completely different...

➲Smoking pot isn't officially illegal on Atlantis; but given the nature of Pegasus plants, it's one dumb thing to do.

➲I have not reprogrammed my doors to open fire at anybody approaching my quarters between 11 pm and 7 am; though I really considered doing so each time some dumb ass rang my door bell at 3 am for some 'important security detail'...

➲Wraith do not pick on scientists or new recruits first for they prefer '_tender_' flesh; in fact, they care more about quantity than quality. But as long as it makes you run faster, this rumor will be kept up.

➲I can not order the city mentally to lock you out of your quarters or blow up your secret coffee stack – but it's one handy myth to control marines.

➲The lemon in my pack back is about as real as Bigfoot; wouldn't do much good to sabotage the one person on my team capable of hacking into an Asuran or frying an alien security system. But I have to keep people thinking I'm capable of handling McKay...

➲ I have no clue what War and Peace is about.


	24. The Atleanten dating Checklist

* * *

Dear new recruit,  
love might be blind, but it should not be stupid.

To spare you the trouble of having to go through the '_How do I get rid of him/her in 10 hours after the first 27 hours_' paper, do this short test first before start the actually process of dating.

Your possible future lover starts out with 100 credit points; now do the check list on him / her to see what is left in the end

* * *

❤**The Atleanten dating Checklist**❤

* * *

❤**The Gossip Check**❤

How many rumors are out there out there about your lover? How many of them can be tracked back to real events, how many of them might be made up by angry ex-friends or Chuck?  
(-1 for each bad one +1 for each cool one)

How many ex-girl and -boyfriends are did he she have anyway?  
(-5 Points for each ex, -15 if you two have the same ex)

Does the talk about him/her indicate any strange hobbies, like taking photos of Wraith or fishing?  
(-50 points)

❤**Intelligence Check**❤

Has he / she managed to survive so far?  
(+30 points)

Could you win his/her love by showing up in front of his/her quarters in nothing but your underwear, holding two bottles of beer?  
(-10 points for predictability+14 for easy handling)

❤**Humor Check**❤

Does he/she think jokes on McKay/Ronon/Weir/Sheppard are funny?  
(-80 points for a yes; Jokes on Ronon?? Please, who would date a suicidal?)

If you would ask your date to tell you an incredible funny joke, would it be about horses, boners or blondes?  
(-15 points for lack of creativity)

Have you ever seen him/her smile or laugh?  
(If the answer is no, -8 points, unless you're checking Ronon)

Does he/she laugh about your jokes? Even about the stupid ones?  
(+22 for trying, -10 for thinking you're that dumb)

❤**Romantic Check**❤

Is he/she capable of enjoying a beautiful sunset on the mainland (including a perfect picnicking), without complaining about insects and itching sand non-stop?  
(+4 points, or -1; dislike of romantic outdoor dining might still indicate he/she is quite romantically, but has already been to the mainland quite often to tell the size of the insects)

If you were to fall sick, would he/she drop by to read to you, hold your hand, bring you some flowers or sweets?  
(+10 for being sweet; -4 for getting himself/herself sick as well)

Would he/she keep an incredible ugly alien vase or painting, just because you gave it to him/her?  
(+10 points for loyalty, -5 for bad taste, -2 for lack of honesty)

❤**Manners Check**❤

Does he/she know the words 'thank you', 'you're welcome' and 'please' – and is able to use them without being sarcastic?  
(+12, or -15 for a no, unless you are masochistic/depressive and check on McKay)

How many people has he/she seriously offended so far, insulting them or worse?  
(-5 for every person you do like+10 for every one you did like either; -50 for you yourself being insult by him/her)

Is he/she capable of apologizing on being wrong – without a gun being held to his/her head?  
(+6 or – 40, unless this is on McKay again...)

Does your potential lover have gas and thinks it's amusing?  
(-198... and forget it, just no)

❤**Best friend Check**❤

Who do you think will be more important to him/her than his/her own life – you or his/her best friend?  
(+20 for him/her choosing you; if it is the best friend, -10 for not picking you+20 for loyalty to the person he/she knows for real)

How many of his/her best friends do you know? How many of them do you like well enough to not try to straggle them if you had to share your quarters with?  
(-70 if you can't think of at least one... for what you own will automatically be his/her stuff too, and who would not lend something to a best friend /best friends friend / best friends girlfriends friends?)

❤**Patience test**❤

You're in the middle of making out, when you tell him/her you're not ready get for that sort of fun yet... Would he/she accept your choice without having a fit or mock you?  
(+20 for fighting his/her needs+10 for being patient; -15 for giving up and not being able to convince you otherwise)

How long can you talk to him/her about your problems, family and emotional struggles before he/she has to go on an _urgent_ off-world mission/meeting?  
(+2 for every 10 minutes he/she manages without glancing at her/his watch)

Would he/she try to explain football/soap operas/online games/Diana Gabaldon books to you? (+10 for giving it a try+50 for succeeding; -70 for looking exasperated and telling you you wouldn't understand it anyway)

❤** Food Check**❤

Does she/he considered pizza, sandwiches, beer and potatoes chips as 'finner cuisine'?  
(-20; unless he/she points out these foods all come from sophisticated countries with incredible cuisine ... +5 for creativity)

How long can your lover survive on powerbars and coffee only?  
(-20 for every day; unless your hoping you don't get to see him/her at all for weeks to come)

Is he/she a EEWC (Eat Everything Without Check) ?  
(-80 points, unless you are fond of visit your future lover in the infirmary every second day)

Is it likely this person is just dating you to get a share of your coffee ration?  
(-200)

❦** Results **❦

Negative or below 10 – you'd better forget about this person, unless you feel the incredible urge to make yourself unhappy – permanently, for you will not get rid of this person ever again.

❥10 up to 40 – might as well give it a try, but don't expect to much and be ready to run.

❥40-100 – definitely a good idea, this relationship might work out in the end.

❥100 or higher – ask Dr Keller to wean you off whatever drugs your on, or call city security for you discovered an alien on Atlantis ...

(Or tell nobody about your discovery and live happily ever after with Mr/Mrs Right, no matter what species it might be...)


	25. The eight official atlantean languages

* * *

Dear new recruit,

due to a few misunderstandings, we decided to hand out a small sheet containing a few valuable sentences from the eight official languages and their translations into English.  
This however does not free you from your duty to keep on learning those languages - always keep in mind, your survival might depend on your knowledge of foreign languages...

* * *

**The eight official atlantean languages **

* * *

**McKayish**

It's impossible!!  
(I wish it were ... )

It's impossible!  
(Give me 2 hours, seven cups of coffee and somebody to blame in case it doesn't work.)

'rantrantinsultrantrantrant'  
(Give me the damn thing so I can switch it off before it kills us all – and no coffee for you for the next five years!)

It's not that easy!  
(It is, but I have to keep my reputation as the most brilliant man in whole Pegasus.)

It's quite easy, you only need to_'insert explanation nobody can actually understand'_.  
(If you are BRILLIANT, like me it's easy – oh, and I am brilliant, trallalaa, I am brilliant, you're not, trallala!)

_Uhm..._  
(How fast can you run?)

* * *

**Sheppardish**

... Piece of cake ...  
(I hope you are masochistic or suicidal... unless you won't like what comes next.)

We only have to_insert random stupid idea_  
(Hey, what are the odds of the Wraith spotting us the second we get in there?)

...Plan...  
(Stupid idea with back-up from random madness.)

...Mission...  
(Official stupid idea with back-up from random madness and Dr Weir.)

What if we ...  
(What are the odds of being incinerated the second we try to start this thing?)

We're almost there.  
(I hope you packed your sleeping bags and enough MRE's for a week or so... I have no idea were the hell we are.)

* * *

**Dexish**

Time for some real sports.  
(You'll soon wish you never were born.)

_'glare'_  
(I can't rip off your head right now; but given some time I'll sure come up with something.)

You trust them?  
(Can I kill them now or do I have to wait until after the banquet?)

_'growl'_  
(You better start praying I set my gun on '_stun' _and not '_kill'_)

Yeah?  
(Earthians are strange people, duh.)

_'grin'_  
(You're _so_ dead...)

* * *

**Emmaganish**

The ways of my people are different...  
(I thought it seen it all – and then you came to this galaxy. Oh my, Earthians are weird people...)

_'huge bright smile'_  
(How much I'd like to run!)

Well...  
(You are weird/insane/completely nuts, but unfortunately I'm way to polite to say so.)

The insert _random people_ are friendly people, good farmers...  
(... and never told us about their underground facilities, nuclear experiments and brute military government...)

_'sigh'_  
(I volunteered to be on an offworld team – not to be the official babysitter for three grown men who behave like four year olds in a candy store...)

* * *

**Zelenkanish**

_'muttermuttercursemutter'_  
(Who's for killing McKay - hands up!)

I fixed it.  
(Well, I found a couple of mistakes and repaired a few things – don't blame me if those were the wrong things to fix!)

Why don't you go and ask Dr McKay? I'm sure he hasn't gone to bed yet..  
(Since I'm not allowed to carry a gun with me, I have to come up with other means to deal with dumb arrogant scientists.)

_'insert random foreign sounding speech'_  
(It's called Czech, not Russian, and you are even dumber than you look; McKay maybe louder, but I'm meaner, for you don't even know what insults I throw at you, blbec!)

* * *

**Lorneish**

This is Major Lorne, Colonel Sheppard to you read me?  
(Please, let it be not the Wraith, not the Asurans, not any new evil Space lord and no undefinable alien entity this time! I really get sick of having him run into stuff like that!)

Doc...  
(Have you got any idea how much I would love to leave you here and let you deal with this mess alone?)

Any volunteers for an offworld mission?  
(I'm not Sheppard; my missions tend to work out and I rarely wake up any mean life sucking aliens.)

I'm an artist.  
(And I rank high enough above you to make your life living hell if you say otherwise.)

* * *

**KitchenChefish**

Dinner is read!  
(The ingredients are not moving any more, so we assume it's safe to eat.)

Of course this is coffee!  
(Well, one percent of it surely does contain caffeine; don't you dare to run it through the mass spectrometer!!)

No, there's no citrus in it...  
(And if you ask one more time, I will stuff a damn lemon up your !# to see if you're allergic for real!)

_'sigh'_  
(I don't get enough pay for this sort of stuff – Billy, hand me the steak hammer... this is no vegetable...)

It's very healthy and nutritious.  
(Who cares what the botanists say?)

* * *

**Atlantish**

_ERROR: CAN'T FIND REQUESTED TERM IN DATABASE _  
(20,000 years of evolution, and you guys still try to look for porn the minute you get the access code to my database...)

UNKNOWN FUNCTION  
(What the hell means '_screw yourself_'? Unknown repair function, please install update)

_'Woosh'_  
(You're in trouble deep my friend...)

PLEASE INSERT MORE ZMPS  
(You can't get something for nothing McKay, no matter how often you try to change my basic codes.)

_'boom'_  
(Not again... You guys really have a knack for finding things to blow up, haven't you?)

NO MORE WARM WATER AVAILABLE  
(Geez, who did you piss off this time?)


	26. Atlantean Newbie test Number Two

* * *

Dear new recruit,

Almost a year has passed since you came to Atlanits. Since you are still alive, you must have done quite well – and we certainly hope this will continue. The following multiple choice test is only for yourself, to see whether you're are fit for real, or just incredible lucky.  
More than one answer might be correct!

* * *

**Atlantean Newbie Test Number Two**

* * *

**Situation: You broke the coffee machine.**

A. You radio Dr McKay and tell him the coffee machine has been broken

B. You radio Colonel Sheppard and tell him you will radio Dr McKay and tell him the coffee machine has been broken

C. You call city security and tell them you just saw a Wraith run down the hall way with the coffee machine under his arm – meanwhile you dump the machine into the ocean

D. You check the area for security camera or personnel and sneak out of the lab as if nothing has happened

**Situation: Atlantis is sinking.**

A. You stay calm, inform my fellow team mates and start slowly swimming towards the mainland

B. This is not your problem

C. Look around to see if you're the only person left on Atlantis; put the damn paper away and run to catch the last puddle jumper

**Situation: You forgot your toothbrush in the village on planet XXX-Run!-000**

A. Getting back to Atlantis with all your teeth is far more important than a damn toothbrush

B. The plastic might pollute the environment when being burned along with all the other things you touched; you need to get back and get it in order to prevent any harm (and who's afraid of some little stones being hurled?)

C. You forget about the toothbrush the second you step through the gate and just get yourself a new one

D. Toothbrush? Who the hell packs a toothbrush when going offworld?

E. You are afraid the villagers might be super agents in disguise and use the DNA material on your toothbrush to clone you and use you to kill all inhabitants of Atlantis; you try to convince Dr Weir to bomb the planet

**Situation. Sheppard is looking for volunteers.**

A. You raise your hand

B. You suddenly turned deaf and have to go to the infirmary to let yourself get checked up

**Situation: Lese majesty.**

A. You sigh, roll your eyes and apologize

B. After spending a few hours in the pillory, you apologize

C. You immediately pretend to be mentally retarded, slobber a little bit and hope your team mates are not around to watch your little show

D. You try to look surprised when meeting your team in the dungeon and act as if you had no idea why the villagers lock you up

**Situation: There are no muffins left in the mess.**

A. You despair and try to hang yourself

B. You sigh and take the powerbars

**Situation: You got a coupon for a free massage**

A. You ask if you could not rather trade it for coffee

B. After trying to recall if this person does have a grudge against you and finding no reason to distrust him her, you tell 50 of closest friends or so where you are about to go and what to do and dress up like you're going to a playboy party

C. You stuff the coupon under your couch and hope nobody will ever remind you to redeem it

**Situation. You are lost.**

A. You stay calm, pull out the paper 'Basic Geography' and follow the instructions

B. After running around for several hours, you sit down and cry and hope anybody will come to pick you up

**What should you bring with you when going offworld?**

A. A paper clip

B. Coffee and Powerbars

C. Magnets

D. A lifeboat

E. Batteries

F. Glue

**Situation. Dr Heightmeyer asks you about your favorite toy when you were a child.**

A. You tell her the truth about Frank the rubber duck and how you big brother flushed it down the toilet

B. Smiling sadly, you tell her about your beloved fluffy teddy bear and how you donated it to some children's fund to help poor starving babies when you were ten years old

C. Since you have a reputation as atlantean bad ass to keep, you don't tell her about Lilly the elephant and that you still have it; instead you tell her how much you hate stuffed animals and how you incinerated your sisters dolls once

D. Starting with the baby's rattle you had when you were five months old, you tell her about all the toys you ever owned, what they meant to you and what happened to it

**Translate following sentence from McKayish into English: 'Thanks, _just _what I was looking for'**

A. If you were any dumber, you would have lots of green leaves and bear fruit ever six months

B. Oh, thank you! I had been looking for it everywhere, but couldn't find it! Thank you, would you like to come in and have some coffee with me?

C. Duh. It's five o'clock in the morning, nobody knows you are here – I could just strangle you and dump your body in the see, couldn't I

D. Well, finally a clever new recruit; it's good he first came to me before turning the ancient artefact _off_

**Situation. You are about to ask your crush out for a date. What check shouldn't you perform?**

A. Gossip check

B. 'How much money does he make' check

C. 'Is he/ she a psycho?' check

**What are 'false friends'?**

A. Words that sound alike, but have nothing to do with each other

B. Genii, chicks who date for coffee, Wraith, Asurans...

**Situation. This test is over.**

A. You are confused for there are no solutions added – how the hell should you know whether you've been right or wrong?

B. Who cares for being wrong or right – you're alive, that's prove enough

C. You ask everybody on the base to find out who the hell is writing the Surviving Pegasus Guide to get the solutions

D. Since there is no solution sheet added, you decide to just wait until the situations approach and then look what might be correct; if you survive you will write a solution sheet yourself


	27. The evolution of an offworld team member

* * *

**The evolution of an offworld team member –**

**The Natural shifts of your Point of view within your first three missions**

* * *

**Definiton of Success**

**_First mission: _**Coming back with a trade agreement, a ZPM or a remote control to switch off replicators

**_Second mission:_** Coming back with none of your team members injured, a not too strange reason why the mission didn't work out, and a few funny but useless artefacts

_**Third mission: **_Coming back alive

* * *

**Preparations**

_**First mission: **_You ask senior offworld team members for adivce, read the mission instructions, pack in about 60 pounds of 'necessary' stuff like spare clothes, a second life sign detector and 'Guide to foreign cultures and traditions – getting in touch with locals'

_**Second mission: **_You pack in spare munition, an extra first aid box and the 'Guide to foreign cultures and traditions – getting in touch with locals' - just in cause you need something to light a fire

_**Third mission:**_ You pack nothing but food, water and munition, knowing the less you have to carry, the faster you can run

* * *

**Expectations**

_**First mission: **_Either you will be welcomed by beautiful priests and priestess and be crowned king or queen, or you will run into the last ancients in this galaxy who will share their wisdom with you

_**Second mission: **_Either you will meet friendly, but very backwardish people, who will try to trade their grains for plutonium, or you will have to fight for your life while saving some pretty princess, or you will die like a hero defending a village from a Wraith attack or...

_**Third mission:**_ Either you come back alive, or you don't

* * *

**Mission report**

_**First mission:**_ While being offworld, you take notes and pictures and use a dictaphone; your mission report is at least 50 pages long and very, very detailed

_**Second mission:**_ While sitting in the infirmary, waiting for your rips to heal up, you ask your fellow team mates if they can recall anything; you fill the remaining gaps with made-up stories

_**Third mission: **_Three or five months after the mission, you copy an older mission report and cross out the planet's name

* * *

**Idealism**

_**First mission:**_ You admire the locals ability to make fire out of dung and try to chat with the women , asking them for recipes and how to prepare ointments; You try to explain to them why water should be boiled first, and why beating up their children might be bad for them and will leave psychological scars

_**Second mission: **_You have come to terms with capital punishment on the village square; if a kid is spanked by it's mother, it probably deserves it

_**Third mission:**_ They don't bother you, you don't bother them; You have zero interest in finding out how the food you're eating has been prepared, as long as it's not moving

* * *

**Superstition**

_**First mission:**_ You try not to laugh out loud when your team mates want you to spit over their shoulders or exchange good luck charms

_**Second mission: **_You refuse to go offworld when your scrambled eggs look like a skull or a Wraith face

_**Third mission:**_ You faint on spotting a black animal, refuse to enter rooms with the numbers 1,4,7 or 13 and exorcise yourself after returning to Atlantis

* * *

**Worries**

_**First mission: **_You worry about somebody stealing your stuff while you are offworld, the gate code being changed while you are away, your partner breaking up with you or you leaving your second backpack behind when stepping through the gate

_**Second mission**_: You worry about insulting the natives, pushing a wrong button, eating a poisonous plant, catching an alien fever, killing a innocent creature, losing your way offworld, running into the Wraith or destroying the balance of the universe

_**Third mission: **_You worry about not killing your enemy on the first shot or being slower than your team mates when running for your lifes

* * *

**Medical treatment**

_**First mission: **_You pack a sewing kit (just in cause you need to stitch yourself up) and believe a good dose of homeopathic pills surely beats antibiotics

_**Second mission: **_You wear two protective gears; scars aren't cool at all, but hurt like hell

_**Third mission:**_ You take anaesthesics even before stepping through the gate

* * *

**Betting**

**_First mission:_** You make a bet with Chuck that you will not only be the first new recruit to come back without a serve trauma, but you will also bring back a cure against acne, the replicator basecode or a captive Wraith queen who fell in love with you

_**Second mission:**_ You make a bet with some senior recruits that this time, your team will do better than last time and come walking, not running back to Atlantis

_**Third mission: **_You make a bet with yourself that it will again be you to be shot first


	28. Dieting for Atlanteans

* * *

Dear new recruits,

sometimes, standing in front of the mirror or trying to put on some old clothes, one will get the idea of being too fat.  
Not only will those thoughts make you frustrated and unhappy, but they might also lead to you think you have to loose some weight.

Follow this sheet to test if you really need to loose weight, and to finding out how many calories per day you use.

* * *

❒**Dieting for Atlanteans**❒

* * *

❒_**Am I too fat??**_❒

Would a Wraith die from a fatty heart after trying to suck you dry?

Have you ever managed to beat Ronon during training by simply rolling on him?

Do villagers worship you, thinking you are a fertility god or goddess?

Is your gravity high enough to keep other people in your orbit?

Do you always have a puddle jumper for yourself?

Have the Wraith ever tried to use a tractor beam on you and failed because of your mass?

_Unless you answered one of those questions with 'yes', please relax. There's no need for you to go on a diet._

❒**Basic eating rules:**❒

If you don't know how many calories your food has, compare it to something similar looking (chocolate - brown rice, potato chips – bananas...)

As for alien ingredients, they have no calories at all due to the fact they come though outer space, which is very cold – and calories is an heat unit

If the food doesn't taste good, it does have negative calories, for you have to force yourself to eat it

Coffee is a stimulant – so anything you eat with coffee will immediately be burnt because your body has a higher consumption rate

Weighting 500 kilo or more will result in you having a layer of fat thick enough make you bullet proof

Just the thought of working out with Ronon is so scary you burn half of your daily calories

❒**The use of calories on a normal day**❒

Waking up from the noise of the alarm clock ►2 calories

Pushing the snooze button, going back to sleep ►4,6 calories

Finally getting out of bed ►12 calories

Brushing teeth ►1 calories

Shaving ►1 calories

Taking a shower ►3 calories

Looking for clothes, finding clean socks and underwear ►15 calories

Battle for a cup of coffee and some breakfast in the mess ►30 calories

Listening to colleguages during Breakfast ►10 calories

**Scientist:**

Way to the lab, foot ►4 calories

Way to the lab, transporter ►0,1 calories

Way to the lab, broken transporter which has to be fixed midway ►90,2 calories

Starting the computer ►0,9 calories

Listening to McKay ►40 calories

Argueing with McKay ►54,2 calories

Restraining yourself from straggling McKay ►100 calories

Working on an ancient artefac ►17 calories

Mental stress of working on an ancient artefact ►3 calories

Running for your life ►130 calories

Getting yourself a cup of coffee ►0,2 calories

Fighting for the last cup of coffee ►17 calories

Looking busy doing nothing ►6 calories

Eating lunch ►12 calories

Trying to sooth the wrath of the cook after complaining about lunch ►22 calories

Returning to the lab ►1,1 calories

Playing freecell ►3,5 calories

Configurating the city systems ►11 calories

Re-configurating the city systems ►25,6 calories

Getting yourself a cup of cold coffee ►0,2 calories

Gossiping ►2 calories

Gossiping with Chuck ►5,1

Cutting yourself on a sharp edge ►0,01 calories

Wailing and looking for plasters ►3,2 calories

Claiming to die from blood poisoning ►8 calories

Searching for McKay's hidden stock of Powerbars ►5,2 calories

Finding it ►0,1 calories

Getting caught redhanded by McKay (_Reparing the sewers of area 4_) ►90 calories

Taking a very long shower ►14 calories

Finding pyjamas ►0,2 calories

Falling asleep ►1 calories

Getting up in the middle of the night due to some emergency ► 120 calories

Dreaming of exploding ancient artefacts ►3,8 calories

**Marine:**

Way to the gym, slow ►2,1 calories

Way to the gym, very, very slow ►5,2 calories

Panic resulting from having to train with Ronon/Teyla/ ►8 calories

Hiding from Ronon /Teyla ►40 calories

Training with Ronon/ Teyla ►167,3 calories

Limping to the infirmary ►9,5 calories

Wondering what dinner consists of ►1,5 calories

Eating dinner ►0,6 calories

Eating your whole dinner ►2,3 calories

Playing golf ►16,1 calories

Refusing to play golf (_Cleaing the sewers_) ►200,1 calories

Patrolling, shor ►t20 calories

Patrolling, long ►27.2 calories

Patrolling knowing a Wraith is lurking round ►70 calories

Eating dinner ►2,1 calories

Going to bed ►2,3 calories

Getting up again to undress ►3,2 calories

Dreaming of a Wraith Invasion ►3,8 calories

**Offworlder:**

Refusing to go offworld ►12 calories

Finally giving in ►4 calories

Packing ►7,8 calories

Packing, to be prepared for anything ►14,5 calories

Going through the gate ►0,07 calories

Carrying pack, normal ►21 calories

Carrying pack, 'prepared for aynthing' ►92

Hiking to the village / outpost ► 15 calories

Talking to the elders ►9 calories

Finding an interesting artefac ►t9,1 calories

Having it almost kill oneself ►15,8 calories

Angering the villagers ►0,009 calories

Running all the way back to the gate ►40 calories

Being caught and dragged back ►2,3 calories

Being held captive ►3 calories

Escaping ►54 calories

Getting shot ►0,1 calories

Having to run despite being shot ►22 calories

Being angry for having to run despite being shot ►78 calories

Having surgery ►1,7 calories

Recovering ►182 calories

Returning from a mission without any scratch ►0,02 calories

Tests to prove one isn't an asuran or Wraith ►60 calories

Writing a mission report ►5,1 calories

Trying to get around writing a mission report ►15,6 calories


	29. Classification for dummies

* * *

Dear new recruits,

Off world missions usually include the documentation of local flora and fauna in order to help other offworld teams to not make the same mistake. Please take this task serious; your very own life might depend on it one day!

* * *

❡**Classification for dummies**❡

* * *

**The First Glance.**

❡The first step is always one backwards. Get away from the object and study it from afar (use binoculars if necessary). No matter how fascinating, stay at a safe distance until you have done the basic classification step 1.

**Basic Classification Step 1**

❡Now you have to find out what exactly you have found. Pick a stone (make sure you have unlocked your gun and your retreat is secured) and throw it at the thing. If it's moving towards you, don't count it's legs but shot it. If it remains still, breaks down or starts wailing, wait for at least 3 minutes. Throw another stone, just in cause it's a Wraith pretending to be a plant or a rock. If nothing happens, go on to BCS 2. (In cause the object starts cursing and threatens to kill the one who threw the stones, slowly retreat to the gate and leave the planet if possible)

**Basic Classification Step 2**

❡Advance slowly, and be prepared to run.  
Put a filter mask on.  
Get yourself a long stick, and carefully poke the object without getting to close.  
If it doesn't try to attack you, it's either a piece of dirt, ancient machinery, a trap, a really lazy animal or a plant.  
Sometimes they are hard to distinguish, but here are some easy hints:

If it's beeping, glowing or emitting radiation, it's ancient machinery which is best left alone unless you want to blow up yourself.

If it's breathing, making faint noises and is moving, it might be a plant, but is most likely a little animal. (Which isn't cute, but most likely a carnivore which will try to kill you)

If it's breathing, making faint noises and is moving, has a lot of things that might be leaves and is stuck in the ground, it could be a plant.

If it's suddenly moving and you find yourself 20 feet in the air, it's a trap.

If it's not breathing, not moving, hasn't any leaves or legs, doesn't emit radiation or tries to attack you, it is most likely a piece of dirt.

**Basic Classification Step** **3**

❡Once you have defined the species more or less, you either call the scientist on the team. If there is none or you are the scientist, begin to examine in the object. Take notes on the location, the climate; takes probes of soil and water. Don't forget to put on gloves! Now you proceed as following:

If it's an ancient machinery, look for suspicious buttons or levers before touching it; if you are alone and nobody is watching, you might also leave the machinery where it is and pretend you hadn't noticed it. If you're slightly suicidal or have no other option but pick it up, do it quickly and pray it won't explode. If it doesn't, put it into a bag and bring it back to Atlantis ASAP and leave it to McKay (It's not longer your problem)

If it's an animal, take a picture of it, and try to shoo it away. Always keep in mind – if this animal really were nothing but a cute, harmless, bunny like herbivore... How would it have survived this long?

If it might be a plant, try to dig it out and pack it into a box. (Do not try this the plant is higher than 40 cm, only take a branch or leaves with you.) If it suddenly tries to attack you, stay calm, remove the tendrils from your throat and the thorns from your hands and beat it too dead with your shovel (for shooting won't be any help, as there may not be any organs to hit). Take the remains with you in cause you need an antidote.

**Basic Classification Step 4**

❡If you are in charge of classification the object (_says you are a botanist or can't say no if given the job_), do not forget to:

Inform at least 4 other people of your project; Try to get the security system working and ask for assistants. This isn't the time for petty jealously, unless you want to have '_Missing in unknown object_' filled in your death certificate.

Please, do not say things like '_Of course this is save_' or '_I wonder what this gland is for_'. Also don't make jokes like '_Anybody seen Alien 2?_'  
You can't be this naïve for real.

Wear any protective gear you can find.  
Sure, a space suit can be a bit bothersome and uncomfortable for dissection; but so is a rash spreading over your whole body.

As a matter of fact, alien plants come in two flavors – _Painful death_ and _Almost like chicken_.  
No need to test for yourself if it's true.

Botanists don't have to be brave; there's no such thing as a heroic death by plants, only a stupid one.

**Naming**

❡Since you discovered it, you have the right to at least come up with the common name for it. (Unless it's ancient machinery, which will be named by Sheppard and Sheppard only)

**Chosing the Common Name**

❡Stick to a descriptive names, for they are the most usefully ones. (Like _Blue Killer Lettuce _or_ Looks like Osmunda but bites_)

If you know a little latin, it might even sound quite good. But don't brag too much with your knowledge; _Reperire Mane_ still means nothing but '_found quite early_', and you don't need to be a linguist to get the meaning of _Lacus Foedissima_ or_ Maximus S__ordes._

You aren't allowed to use Swearwords.  
Even if the object has just eaten half of your arm, you're not allowed to ?23/1!!ka! (_Unless it's latin of course_)

Refrain from naming it after friends or lovers. Nobody can tell what this object might be capable of (_or the person it was named after_); and who would want to have a stinking, man eating plant named after one? (_Even if the resemblance is striking_)

Don't use alliteration, puns and obscene wordplays. You might lose what little respect you had amongst your friends for coming home with a _Hotplant_, a _violent Violet_ or a _Sleezy Slurp_.

**The Official Name**

❡To ease things and make sure new discovery are labeled properly, the Atlantean Name Code came to existence.  
The official name consist of 9 digits - X.X.00.X.00.XX.X

The first letter indicates were the object can be found – M like Mudplanets, D like Deserts, O like Oceans, P for_Place I don't want to return to_, and so on.

The second letter indicates the type or species of the object; Were as X stands for unknown, U is for _we have no idea what it is but found a use for it._

Next comes the number of people one single object of this species could kill or injure; the letter behind indicates if it can be used as Weapon or if it is nothing but a common threat.

The next two numbers are the index for it's usefulness; 01 is the lowest (as in _it's not even pretty_), 99 is the highest (can be used for anything from making ZPMs to Time travel).

Then the initials of person who discovered the object, or the code of the offworld team (_whoever is the last survivor_) follow.

The last letter is short for the person you would not want to use this object under any circumstances.  
(_M for McKay, S for Sheppard, K for Keller, R for Ronon, C for the Chef_)

❡Good luck with your findings!❡  
Keep in mind – better be safe and alive than famous and dead; being blind for fascinating new plants is nothing to be ashamed of but a life insurance - and if you accidentally kill a species that hasn't been defined yet ... Who would ever notice?


	30. First Aid for Atlantean Dummies

* * *

Dear new recruit,

Of course you have attended at least one first aid course in your life, and remember at least the basics of how to administer first aid - at least in normal situations like car accidents or faints. Unfortunately, Pegasus will confront you with a lot of absurd situations, which were never mentioned in any first aid course...  
So here are some hints and tricks for proper first aid in the Pegasus galaxy.

* * *

**First Aid for Atlantean Dummies**

* * *

**The situation**

Where are you (or where do you think you are)?  
How many people have been injured/ are unconscious/ smile dull and don't answer your calls?  
Do you know what caused the reaction? Is it still around?

** Calling for help **

Radio Atlantis if possible, tell your location, how many people are injured and if there's the need to hurry or not. (And if to bring in the big guns)  
If Atlantis doesn't answer, check if you are the only one still standing; if there's anybody else, let him her stay and get back to the gate for help.  
If you are the only one still able to do something, take a few calming breaths and face the fact everything is up to you now.

**╬ What was the cause for the reaction? ╬****  
**  
Did Person A get shot at? If yes, what weapon or projectile was used?  
(_Small projectile are bullets, longer ones with feathers at one end are called arrows_)  
Has Person A been poisoned? What did Person A touch, eat, drink or breath in? Got Person A stung?  
Did Person A get into a fight with Person B and Weapon C and is bleeding from various wounds?  
Has Person A fallen down from a high place or got hit by anything heavy?  
Has Person A worked on an alien device?  
Could Person A be an incredible idiot who tries to scare the hell out of you by playing dead man?  
Isn't there any obvious sign of what might have caused this?

** Applying First Aid to Person A ╬**

**Shot wound:**  
Leave the projectile alone, even if it looks easy to remove and the person asks for it. If Person A tries to pull it our himself, threaten to shot another one into his body if he dares to. Put bandages over the bullet hole and prevent Person A from getting up. Tell horrifying stories of projectiles becoming lose and wandering up to the brain if necessary.

**Poison:**  
If you can identify what caused Person A's reaction, remove the object (remember to wear gloves!) as far as possible – bag a probe to ease the identification. If the cause can't be moved – like air or water, you move Person A, even if he she refuses to get away from the pretty plants that smell so nice. Try the use of an Epi-Pen on Person A, this will buy time if it is a allergic reaction (and won't cause much more harm if it's a toxin anyway). NEVER try to suck the poison out of a wound; for this is no bad action movie and will only poison you as well. If a local shaman offers to help, let him her - unless of course you just destroy a major temple, insulted their culture or did anything else which might have angered them.

**Wounds from sharp or blunt instruments:**  
Cuts: Clean the wound with clear water or alcohol if available. Put clean dressings on it and apply pressure to stop the blood flow. If Person A is still out cold, you might think of stitching or stapling the worst wounds; do not try this unless you are sure Person A won't suddenly come around and notice what your doing, thus panic or try to you hurt to make things even.

**Bruises, broken bones, internal bleeding:**  
Do not move Person A (_unless the Wraith are invading or Person B with Weapon C or Friend D returns_).  
Immobilize broken limbs using whatever seems to be most suitable.  
Keep Person A from moving around by friendly pointing a loaded gun to his her temple.

**Falls from great height (Person A or something else falling on Person A):**  
Gently check for broken bones (Like a foot in a 80 angle to the rest of the body); If Person A asks why he she can't feel anything tell him her to be glad about it. Stay calm and wait for a medical team arriving in a puddle jumper or make a make-shift stretcher to get Person A out of more harms way.

**Alien device:**  
Stay away from the device. Take your time to find out if Person A is still human (appearance, smell, attitude, number of limbs), and only then check for a pulse. If Person A is breathing, get the body into recovery position. If not, perform CPR until pulse and breathing return (If Person A has a big whole in the chest or the head is missing, you don't have to do CPR)

**No obvious sign of injury, Person A is unconscious**  
(also know as '_I just left you alone for 2 seconds, how could you possibly get into trouble in an empty room?_' syndrome)

Check Person A for fever or shock; Loose tight garments which might cut of Person A's breath and try to bring Person A back to consciousness (refrain from slapping or shaking, this looks unprofessional). If Person A's life functions are stable and he she isn't waking up even when threat having to work under McKay or be on a lifelong coffee ban, think about carrying Person A back to Atlantis; waiting until he or she wakes up, in the middle of nowhere in the middle of night with countless threats around isn't much of an option.

╬**Atlantean Scale of Pain **╬

If Person A is conscious and able to speak, try to find out how bad things are by using the Atlantean Scale of Pain. Try not to make Person A feel depressed by remembering unpleasant things, but try to define the amount of pain Person A is in exactly by using following questions:

**Where does it hurt? **

**What do you recall?**

**What does the wound feel like? Pounding? Throbbing? Like fire, or cold? Can you describe it?**

**Would you like morphine or coffee better?**

**Between 1 and 10, how high would you rank you pain?  
****(_Get out of reach, this question usually makes people try to hit you_)**

**_!! Do not say things like:_**  
Are you stupid?  
You really don't want to know what your leg looks like.  
Does this hurt? 'press'  
Haha, you should have seen your face when that thing came after you!  
Can I have your DVD collection?  
I've heard Dr Keller is really good at transplantations.

■ Measure of Pain: 10

This looks far, far worse than it is.  
Person A is still able to identify the pain and complain about it, and thinks this is the worst pain ever.  
Usually Person A will ask for both morphine and coffee, insult you for treating his her wounds badly and swear to never get offworld again.

Hurts like: Getting zapped or stunned

■ Measure of Pain: 9 to 8

Person A is clearly unhappy and in a lot of pain, but you don't have to be too worried about that.  
Give Person A a bit morphine to dull the pain and listen to the continues stream of accusations aimed at everybody and everything.

Hurts like: Falling out of bed onto a open Laptop face forward or spraining ones wrist

■ Measure of Pain: 7

Person A is aware of what hurts, why it hurts, and is already thinking about what he she is going to do with the cause once her she is released from the infirmary. Anger is far more present than panic or pain right now; try to prevent Person A from suffering from a heart stroke from thinking up sadistic ways of killing somebody. Use plenty of morphine.

Hurts like: Guess who's gonna die one messy death once those stitches are removed!

■ Measure of Pain: 5 to 6

Even though keeping up rather good, Person A is in a lot of pain, but doesn't want to admit it's how bad it is.  
Person A keeps on making jokes and refuses to clarify what is aching, being the stereotype of a brave hero.  
If this behaviour is watched on a hypochondriac, it might be reason for mild to severe panic.

Hurts like: Thank god there's morphine

■ Measure of Pain: 4

Person A is using a lot of words like excruciating, agony and dolorous, and is asking for coffee rather than morphine; Nobody still talking that much can be in such an amount of pain as described.

Hurts like: Being sore after sleeping on the naked floor or having a tooth removed

■ Measure of Pain: 3

Going to die. Person A is going to die and is aware there's no hope left.  
Tearful, detailed confessions and painful 'I'm dying' groans are nothing to be worried about; If only for your own sanity.  
If it gets too bad, use the remaining morphine for yourself.

Hurts like: An ingrown toenail or forgetting to not getting the last cherry muffin

■ Measure of Pain: 2

Person A admits to be a bit tiny bit uncomfortable, but nothing to worry about.  
Either, Person A is really fine and dandy, has a terrifying high tolerance for pain, or has already applied several morphine syringes to himself while you weren't looking.  
Keep a close eye on Person A.

Hurts like: Stepping onto a pin barefoot or drinking too hot coffee

■ Measure of Pain: 1

Person A claims there is no pain at all, smiling happily and is trying to get up, even if missing various body parts. Force yourself to stay calm, push Person A down and be as kind and friendly as possible to Person A, for you might regret being harsh now for your whole rest of your life.

Hurts like: Haha, I'm fine, don't worry – hu, were does all this blood come from?

■ Measure of Pain: Still 0, but will change soon

Person A was just making fun of you and wanted to see how you would react.

Hurts like: I've heard the morgue is wonderful this time of the year


	31. Cleaning for Dummies

* * *

Happy Easter :D

* * *

►**Cleaning for Dummies**◄

►**Look who's knocking on my door – it's my friends**

Practicable for messy rooms and good friends

▷**How it's done:** Your friends have come to like you so far; sure seeing your room at it's best won't change anything between you.  
Hint: If you would like to borrow something from one of your friends, you might at least put some alike things on top of your desk in a strict order, so you can say '_I am messy indeed – but look, when it comes to DVDs I'm really rigorous_'

**Look who's knocking on my door – it's my boss**

Practicable for messy rooms and people who might be troublesome if they noticed just how chaotic you are

▷**How it's done: **Open all of your cupboards and closets. Pull everything out and throw it on the floor; leave nothing inside.  
Claim you are in the middle of a big spring / autumn / Hellowraith cleaning, thus the chaos.

►**Look who's knocking on my door – it's my date**

Practicable for chaotic rooms and first date

▷**How it's done: **Get yourself two huge plastic bags. Put one into the other as for double bagging. Stuff as much as you can into your cupboards, under your bed or behind the atlantean decorations; everything left comes into the big bag (try to only throw soft and light material in it, you'll understand later on why). Tie the bag shut with a very, very strong rope. Secure the rope at the railing of your balcony. Throw the bag over the balcony. Pray it won't smash the window beneath. Close the balcony, open the front door and hope your date won't notice the rope.

**►Moldiness factor 1 to 3**

Practicable for slightly damp, rather dark and uncomfortable rooms

▷**How it's done:** Remove all your belongings from your quarters. Get yourself a thermal grenade (make sure you take one labeled XXXXS, or you will be looking for a new lodging soon). Make sure all of your windows are open! Activate the grenade, throw it into your room and lock the door. Wait until the dust has settled.

Warning: You might need some paint and plaster afterwards to cover up the worst

**►Moldiness factor '_I'm scared to go to sleep for the mold might eat me alive_'**

Practicable for really damp, wet and cold rooms

▷**How it's done:** Ask the botanist for some bog plants, and have one of them help you to set them up in your room. Stay at a friend of yours for a few days; make sure the same botanist is with you when you return to your room three days later.  
Now you have the proof you need new quarters:  
If the flowers are still doing well, your room is inhabitable for humans; if the plants are dead, even more so.

►**Spot spotting for beginners**

Practicable for dry, not to messy rooms

▷**How it's done:** Turn the lights up, a little bit brighter than usual. Get yourself a clean rug and wet it. Check every surface for obvious spots and wipe them away (you may use a new rug after working on some darker spots).

Hint: If the spot is to big or just won't go away, put something slightly bigger on it, like a bowl or a vase. Be careful to not use translucent materials

**►Bad Bath Shower**

Practicable for bathrooms with tiles

▷**How it's done:** Make sure to put your towels in another room. Put five bath bombs (chose fragrance as you like, but use only white or cream colored) into your shower. Hit the 'super special massage' and the 'very little water' button. Run.

It might take 4 to 6 ours until the foam has settled; use a big towel to clean the remains from the mirror and other reflecting surfaces. Air properly or turn the to prevent mold from spreading.

**►Moving out**

Practicable for clean but stuffed rooms

▷**How it's done:** Remove your valuable possessions out of your room (favorite books and DVDs, Laptop, photographs). Invite as many people as possible over. After some warm up drinks, start trading your remaining stuff for the common atlantean values like coffee, chocolate and passwords. Make sure everybody signs what he/ she traded for and will come the next day to get it.

►**Night vision**

Practicable for dirty windows

▷**How it's done:** Carefully take the windows out of the holders. Ask some neighbors or friends if their windows also need a rinse. Either, you pack them into the rear of a puddle jumper (make sure to tie them together and fasten the pack or you will regret it), go down and spend at least ten hours down there, so that the fishes can nibble the worst dirt off. Rinse the inside of the puddle jumper with a hose before returning it to the hangar.

Alternative: You may also dim the lights in your room and claim you like it better that way (as for meditation or debaucheries)

**►Sink the Titanic**

Practicable for b.a.h. rooms (beyond all hope)

▷**How it's done:** Make sure you get your Laptop, DVDs and photographs out of your quarters. Caulk your balcony doors and windows. Turn on the shower (set it on cold as to save energy) and leave your room for a short mainland trip. Practice looking horrified when coming back to find your former beloved quarters ruined.

**►Dirty Mary**

Practicable for very dusty rooms

▷**How it's done: **Borrow the big fan from the linguists (why do they need it for anyway?) and ask the botanists for a coarse meshed sieve. Collect small and fragile stuff and stuff it away in your closet. Open the largest window in your quarters and hang the sieve in it. Put the fan on maximum speed – make sure you stand behind it. Turn it off after four minutes and pick your belongings out of the sieve before returning it to the botanists.


	32. How to write a mission report

* * *

**How to write a mission report**

* * *

Dear recruit,

As if coming back in one piece from an offworld mission wasn't enough work, now you will have to write a mission report as well. To make this hard task easier on you, we have compiled this sheet. Good luck!

* * *

✄ Step one:

Clean your quarters. Before you even power up your laptop or get a piece of paper to start notes, you have to clean your rooms. You'd be surprised how temptingly cleaning a toilet bowl can be if you have to write a report.

✄ Step two:

Lend out all of your DVDs, books and games. Make sure to delete every single game installed on your Laptop. People have spend ages playing FreeCell, not getting anything done.

✄ Step three:

Get yourself a stock on your favorite sweets and candies, along with some fruits. Also make sure there's plenty of coffee or your favourite (non-alcoholic!) drink. Have a guard stand at your door, making you stay inside instead of going around Atlantis for hours - not hungry but craving just '_something_'.

✄ Step four:

Disable communications and AtlaNet to your quarters. The likeliness of your breaking both of your legs and being unable to go the infirmary by yourself is far smaller than the one of you radioing your friends to chat the whole day about Star Trek or Sheppard's possible love interest.

✄Step five:

Close all windows and your balcony door. Make sure to lock them properly. Remove all hazardous stuff from your quarters (like rope, razors, stuffed animals) in case you suffer from a bad flash of mission report phobia and try to make an end to your suffering.

✄ Step five point one:

Allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for at least two hours. Blame everybody you know for the fact you will have to write a mission report. Feel desperate, list-less and think your life is over in general. Form out your last will in your head.

✄Step six:

Take a sheet of paper and a pencil. Write your name on the sheet. Pause. Write the duration of the mission of the paper. Pause. Compile a list of everything you recall taking place on this mission. Use more paper if necessary.

✄Step Seven:

Once you are down with the draft, get yourself a big red marker. Start editing the sheet. Cross out all the things which are either too embarrassing, too strange or too hard to explain if you aren't allowed to say '_alien made us do it_'.

✄Step Eight:

Power up your Laptop. Make sure the battery is full; if not, hook your Laptop to Atlantis' power system. Sit down on your desk, and make sure to keep all beverages out of reach. (Breaking your Laptop won't get you round writing your mission report). Open a new file. Pause. Write down the usual heading. Pause. Take the sheet with your notes. Pause. Slowly read the first words – not too many at once!! - and form a sentence using them. Pause. Type it down. Pause. Save it. Pause. Repeat from '_Take the sheet_...' on.

✄Step Eight point One:

Hit F3. Look for words and phrases like 'Idiotic; barbaric; caveman; not our fault; told him so; who could have know; McKay blewn up a solar system ; Sheppard awoke the Wraith; we found the ZPM, _but_; it's not like they'll ever need it'. Replace them with political correct terms like 'benevolent; highly advanced; cultivated; just like we intend to; we took responsibility; the warning came to late; the ancient manual had been destroyed; we did the proper calculations and ran numerous tests; none of us touched anything; unfortunately the ZPM had been taken away a long ago; we improved the watering systems greatly'.  
This is not lying, this is higlighting the good aspects of the mission's outcome.

✄Step Nine:

Activate the spell checker program. If more than 40 percent of the screen is underlined red, you may read it through one more time. Don't forget to check if you have written your name on it. Pause one more time, and enjoy the feeling of having DONE it. Press send.

✄Step Ten:

Dress casual and go to mess hall as for to grab a little midnight snack.  
Wait for a few minutes and welcome the rest of your team who also just finished their reports.

✄Step Eleven:

Don't think about your mission report or even worry about it; you have fulfilled your duty. You will most likely never hear about it again; if only, when a new recruit will come and ask you for an autograph. Sheppard is known for a lot of things; ever having read a mission report and forwarded it isn't one of them.

✄Step twelve:

Enjoy your life until the next mission report.


End file.
